The Comparison Game

Lately, I have been concocting the perfect recipe for unhappiness: constantly comparing myself to other people and wishing I had what they have. This is not an activity in which I routinely engage. Generally, I am quite happy with my life, quite aware of my blessings, and quite satisfied with the choices I've made. But I am definitely prone to the comparison game from time to time, and a job search entices me into this game like nothing else can.

Let's start with job postings. Inevitably, in my searches for jobs falling under the terms "social work," "nonprofit," or "disabilities," there always seems to be something among the results that makes me wish I had chosen a different career path. My latest "I wish I had" is that I should have been an occupational therapist. They are ridiculously in demand, they do a lot of the same types of things I have done in my work with people with disabilities (though with a more specialized set of skills), their education is a two-year Masters degree (same as mine), and the starting salary is $20-$30K more than it is for social workers in the same field. I've found myself almost involuntarily looking at OT job postings, envying their salaries and regular hours, and even taking a peek at admissions requirements for OT Masters programs. Do I really want to be an occupational therapist? I have no idea. But in this comparison game that I am playing, their grass looks greener than mine.

If that fails to make me feel badly enough, I start to think that I should have chosen a different track in my MSW program, done different internships, or gotten a different degree altogether. Lately it seems that, without a clinical track (my focus was management), my MSW isn't much more helpful than a BSW. Maybe I should have focused my MSW on social and economic development. Maybe I should have gone ahead and done the three-year MSW/MBA track, instead of hoping I'll get around to getting my MBA later. How are all of my other social work friends on such clear career paths while I am still fumbling around, trying to figure out how to put my MSW to good use? And considering my outrageous student loans and my social worker salary, was it even worth going to the school I chose? I should have gone to school somewhere else, I tell myself.

And then I start thinking about the people I know. The ones who have more prestigious careers and better salaries, or the ones who maybe don't make as much but are married to people who do. The ones who can afford to do simple things like take vacations and buy a house. I'm as smart as them, I think. I'm a good worker and a quick learner. I'm capable of as much as they are. Why do they get to have vacations and houses when I'm wondering if I will ever, ever be able to afford a trip to Europe or scrape together enough money for a down payment? Yes, the fact that I am unemployed (like so many others, I know) is keeping me from having these things. But the truth is that, even when I get a job, Dan and I will still be far from being able to afford a house or take an extended vacation, despite the fact that we are smart and capable and well-educated. Such is the life of a couple working in the world of nonprofits. And then I start to feel angry and defeated about how little our society values the public servants of our communities: the teachers and the social workers and the police officers and the public defenders and the animal shelter workers. Yes, we care about our communities and want to do good in the world. But we also want to get paid what we're worth, dammit.

I hate to admit it, but this is the frame of mind I've been allowing myself to wallow in periodically for the last several weeks.

Lately, I've have to stop the runaway train and remind myself that everything is a choice. I've chosen the work that I do, the semi-expensive city that I live in, and the choices I make with my money. Dan and I decided that we wanted to live in Philadelphia, and with time, it will feel like home here. I got a fantastic education in my MSW program, made good professional contacts, and gained some fabulous friends. I knew a long time ago that helping people matters more to me than making money (not that these things are mutually exclusive). True, I could probably find a job faster or get a higher salary if I had chosen a different career path. But I will have a job eventually, and the salary that I make is more than enough to get by. I may have to work a little harder, and it may take a little longer, but my goals of vacations and buying a house are not impossible. We'll have to make some sacrifices, and we'll have to be ridiculously disciplined, but we can make it work.

And, as it happens, the comparison game works both ways. Last weekend, I was flipping through the Sunday paper and came across a PARADE article about Zimbabwe. Women who live there are routinely beaten and raped. They constantly live in fear. Inflation is ridiculously out of control. The unemployment rate is 80%. What the hell am I complaining about?

Stop and look around, I have to tell myself. I have a funny, smart, adoring husband who I love a little more every day. A cozy and comfortable apartment. Two cats who make me smile all the time. Books and coffee and fresh air outside. Music. Good health. An amazing group of family and friends who are caring, reliable, and supportive.

When I really stop and think about it, nothing compares to that.

Saying Hi

Today was a rough day. I am currently experiencing two of the most stressful life events at the same time: being unemployed and living in a new place. Sometimes it overwhelms me. Over the weekend, I started to really miss some of the comforts of my life in St. Louis and to wish for the familiarity of the things I left behind. I knew where my favorite restaurants were, and where to go for unique gifts, and how to get from point A to point B. My neighborhood was so lively and so close to everything. I could walk to dozens of shops and restaurants. There were trees outside my window. I loved, loved, loved my apartment.

My neighborhood here has some of the same qualities of my old place, but is lacking in the same vibrancy, especially now during the winter months. There are a few restaurants, but not many, and there is not really any local shopping nearby. My apartment is nice, but it doesn't quite feel like home yet, and my neighbors are a nightmare (on the upside, I learned today that the landlord is working on getting them out of here!). There is no green outside my window right now--just brown, lifeless branches and a parking lot. I don't yet feel any real connection to this place I'm in.

And, frankly, everything seems so hard. It's easy to forget all of the little things that you have to take care of when moving to a new city. Things like finding a doctor and a dentist; figuring out where the nearest coffee shop is; researching where to go for the best Mexican food; learning the best ways to avoid traffic; realizing you need a haircut, and then realizing you don't yet have a stylist. Everything takes longer and takes more steps. Sometimes, more than anything, I just wish those little things were easier, especially considering all the other, bigger worries that are weighing on me these days.

When I opened my e-mail inbox today, I had a newsletter from the Missouri Botanical Gardens, announcing the upcoming blooming of the cherry trees. I literally almost cried. The Gardens were my sanctuary and my favorite place in St. Louis, and I remember a particularly memorable visit there last year when the cherry trees were blooming in the most magical way. I felt so peaceful and comfortable on that day. It's a feeling I haven't really had a in a while.

It has all left me feeling kind of alone lately, like a stranger in a strange land.

In an effort to get out of the house and try to lift my spirits, Dan and I went to Starbucks earlier this evening (like so many things, we still don't know the local spots for coffee). There, printed on the side of my paper cup, was "The Way I See It #141."

I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stumped by this for many years. And then I realized, you just say, "Hi." They may ignore you. Or you may marry them. And that possibility is worth that one word.
--Augusten Burroughs

Sometimes, in the most beautiful way, the right things come to you at the right time. With those simple words, I felt a little less strange, and a little less alone. True, right now, I am on the outside. But this printed message reminded me that I need to slowly make friends with this new place, and be open to the possibilities. One day, I just might feel married to this city, to my favorite places yet undiscovered.

As it turns out, thousands of cherry trees bloom in Fairmount Park every spring. Next month, when they are at their peak, I plan to go over and say, "Hi."

Good Thing: How to Hem Jeans

Every time I buy a pair of jeans, I have a dilemma. There is no such thing as a pair of jeans (or any pants, for that matter) that are the right length for me. I'm just a tad too tall for ankle length pants, but anything that comes in a regular length inevitably drags on the ground. Hemming pants is always easy for me to do, but jeans is another story. . . how to keep the gold-stitched hem?

Unsure that I am skilled enough to detach and reattach the hem, and not wanting to pay for a tailor, I did a Google search. I found this blog entry that gives a method for shortening jeans while keeping the hem intact. I decided not to take out the sewing machine for this and did all the stitching by hand; it still took me less than an hour. You'd have to really be looking to even tell the difference on my jeans. To all of my vertically challenged friends, I would recommend checking it out!

Happy Things

Sorry for yet another gap in posts. I'm feeling kind of listless these days. Though I definitely have lots on my "to do" list--namely all tasks related to finding a job--there is little structure to my days, despite my efforts to create it. I have managed to reinstitute regular workouts, and generally my weekday hours are spent on the job hunt, but there still isn't that feeling of having any real schedule. I am one of those people who always seems to get more done the busier I am; not having full days tends to cause lulls in my motivation, resulting in too much lazing about or watching DVDs. I am definitely feeling ready for the routine of a work schedule again.

On the plus side, I've been in pretty good spirits. Most days I feel optimistic that everything will come together soon. I still feel overwhelmed sometimes, and I teeter on the edge of getting into the doldrums, but so far I've managed to hang on and not fall in. This is very good.

And, of course, there are always good things in life, no matter the situation. Among the happier moments of the last week or so. . . .

• Dan and I headed up to New Jersey to visit friends last weekend, including an afternoon trip into Manhattan. I always feel so happy to be in NYC, and even happier remembering how easy it will be to visit now that we live so close! One of the greatest things, though, was just being around friends--the kind of friends with whom you put on your pajamas and lounge around drinking cocktails and playing "Rock Band." Perfect comfort.

• The weather finally warmed up enough for Dan and I to take a walk around our neighborhood, and I just love all the cute, cozy little houses here. It really makes us want to buy a house, though of course we'll have to wait. It's nice to daydream, though!
  

• I had a job interview last Wednesday. This was good for two reasons. . . not only was it a nice confidence boost, but it gave me an excuse to head into the heart of Philadelphia and see Center City again. I left thinking that the job wasn't really right for me (I'm not sure if I'd take it if they offered it to me), but it's always nice to have an interview, regardless. And I loved having an excuse to head downtown.
  

• I made chocolate chip cookies this weekend. I haven't had chocolate chip cookies in a long time. So delicious.

• I am, admittedly, quite enjoying reading the Twilight series. I'm about 150 pages into Eclipse. And unashamed to admit that I'm a little bit in love with a seventeen-year-old fictional vampire (though I quite love Jacob, too). It's been the perfect fluff reading for a stressful time. And, yes, I am enough of a dork that the "Twilight" movie is already at the top of my Netflix queue, awaiting the film's DVD release later this week.
  

• I've gotten very good at budget grocery shopping and meal planning. I'm really quite impressed with myself. I check sale ads, cut coupons, and plan around what's on sale. I've had to give up some of the things I really prefer (e.g., certain organic items and specialty foods), but it's also nice to realize what you can live without, and how much you can get for not a lot of money!
  

• TV on DVD continues to be my friend when I need a good escape. I'm almost finished with Season 2 of "Brothers & Sisters" (I now plan to be a regular viewer) and am on my way to "Project Runway" (which I've never seen before).

• My sister and brother-in-law are coming to visit next month! Pure excitement.

• I recently acquired a copy of a picture of my grandparents when they were a young couple. My mom has had it for a while, and I finally remembered to ask her to scan and e-mail it to me. My grandparents are the most amazing people. My grandfather died a few years ago, but my grandmother still lives independently in Ohio, riding her exercise bike each morning for an hour and doing a crossword puzzle daily at the age of 87. I'm convinced that everything I know about working hard, caring for others, and taking care of family comes from them. It's hard not to feel proud and humbled when I look at this photo. And aren't they so very cute?
  

Bad Idea of the Week

Philadelphia is in the middle of a budget crisis (a projected $1 billion deficit, to be exact), and our mayor is looking for solutions before unveiling his budget later this month. His latest idea is to charge city residents per bag of trash, and we would have to buy special garbage bags (at $1-2 each) from the city. There's an article about it here.

According to the mayor's office, this is something that is done in seven thousand other municipalities across the country. Nonetheless, I could write an extensive list of all the reasons why I think this is a bad idea (let's start with the fact that my entire apartment building uses one dumpster--how the hell are you going to enforce that? And are you just going to leave the trash there to rot if someone does not use the special bags?). Though I'd likely have a bit of an edge due to my obsessive recycling and plans for a compost, I'd honestly rather have my taxes raised than have to have buy my garbage bags from a bureaucracy. It's hard enough just to get a driver's license here.