The Next Best Thing

Today is the day and the "S&TC" movie is finally here! I was anxiously awaiting any news about a release date for months, have been watching my DVDs as a pre-film refresher, have viewed the trailer numerous times in succession, and have talked excitedly with friends about it. Today, I should be ecstatic with anticipation.

But, to be honest, I'm kind of not. It has nothing to do with the film--I love my "S&TC" and know that I will love the film no matter what. But now is the time when I should be calling up my girlfriends to make plans, and we should be comparing notes on what fabulous outfit we are planning to wear, and we should be meeting to have dinner before the movie with our pre-purchased tickets. Post-film, we should be sitting together sipping drinks and comparing notes and reliving all of our favorite parts. This is a movie I should be sharing with my true girlfriends--those women who really know me and love me and who I can totally be myself with. And I can't see it with any of them because none of them are here.

I received an invite from a friend in St. Louis to see the movie tonight. She is a good friend, but a new friend, and she is bringing along a couple of people I don't really know. Even if I were considering going, I have to work tonight, so I had to decline her invitation. Dan has offered to go with me, which is of course wonderfully sweet of him, but to be honest (no offense, honey), this is one of those things where sharing it with my husband is not the same as sharing it with my friends.

My friends are the best. I have so many fabulous, smart, sexy, funny, strong women in my life that I dearly love. But they are all so far away, and events like this always remind me of that. I really miss all my girls. :(

I still haven't figured out how or when I'm going to go see the movie. I might just end up going by myself, then calling up my favorite gals to compare notes and relive our favorite parts. It's not the real thing, but it's the next best thing. And for now, that will have to do.

I Miss My House

Granted, I am getting paid lots of bonus right now, but even that is not enough to compensate for how exhausted I am becoming from work. I am really starting to miss my cozy little house complete with a darling husband and two adorable kitties. Below is a sample of my life right now (in case I start to seem really crabby and/or delirious in the near future, you'll understand why):

Wednesday: Work in the field from 9am-9pm, plus paperwork when I get home

Thursday: Work 9am-5pm, go to dinner with Dan, watch "So You Think You Can Dance" (yay!), then leave at 9:30 to work an asleep overnight shift from 10pm-6am

Friday: Arrive home at 6:30am, go back to bed for an hour, take care of some things at home (including catching up on blogging), work with customers from 11am-10pm and then work an asleep overnight from 11pm-7am

Saturday: I'll need to spend most of the day completing paperwork from home (all of the paperwork I haven't been able to do all week because I've been out with customers). After that, I plan to get into bed and possibly not get out again.

I Feel Like This. . .

with a touch of this. . .

and a bit of this. . .

but I'm going to make it. Really I am. (If I just keep telling myself that, it will be true, right?)

Strawberry Heaven

After much anticipation, this weekend marked the beginning of strawberry season in Missouri and Illinois! Dan and I got up on Saturday morning and drove over the river to Illinois to do our own strawberry picking. Unfortunately, the line was insanely long (apparently everyone else in Missouri is excited about strawberries, too). Instead of waiting to pick our own, we bought three quarts of those that were just picked, along with some other local items, including asparagus, homemade salsa and tortilla chips, and Missouri wine.

With so many strawberries, it was a bit of a strawberry festival at our house this weekend! For dinner on Sunday night, we had Strawberry Salad with Goat Cheese Crostini (which was just as delicious the second time around). We had this again for lunch today, along with strawberry smoothies for breakfast and a strawberry pie (which I made this morning) as a treat this afternoon.

Then, if all of that strawberry goodness weren't enough, we drank our local strawberry wine while finishing up our latest 1000-piece puzzle. (The quality of the photo below isn't the greatest because I took it with my camera phone, but you get the idea.)

I only wish I knew how to preserve the fresh strawberries we have to enjoy later this year. I'm taking a canning/food preservation class this June, but unfortunately that will be a little too late. I will, however, have taken the class just in time for summer peaches and blackberries. . . mmm.

You Should Be Dancing (Yeah). . . But Not in That

Thursday night, Dan and I attended Dance St. Louis' first Spring to Dance Festival, which brings together professional companies from all over the Midwest for three nights of performances. Tickets were only $10 a night (TEN dollars!!) and Dan and I had the pleasure of seeing everything from flamenco dancing to Indian dancing to the Joffrey Ballet to an incredible jazz/modern piece.

We also had the pleasure of seeing some amazing costume choices, as well as some interesting ones. For instance, please picture the costume below in blue, without the jewelry and the headband.

Now picture it on a man.

Completely inexplicably, there was a fantastic male dancer forced to wear this for a ballet duet he performed. The track was not at all 70s, and there was nothing at all disco or hippie about it. I later learned that the dance was an excerpt from a larger piece, so perhaps that explains the costume selection, but they really should have gone with something else, particularly if the piece was being performed in isolation. (Keep in mind that this was a professional dance company with a paid costume designer.) I was so distracted by the horror of this costuming choice that I couldn't even pay attention to the dancing.

Days later, I am still thinking about it. And it still makes me shudder in terror. That poor, poor man.

Things I've Learned You Should NOT Do. . .

when regularly working 55+ hours per week, dragging your feet through the sludge of sleep deprivation, and trying not to become unglued while experiencing intense periods of chaos and stress.

You should NOT. . .

• shop alone, particularly at the grocery store. If you do, you may end up with ridiculous items in your cart such as the Whole Foods "natural" version of chocolate pop-tarts. Which makes no sense because a) what the hell is a "natural" pop-tart? and b) you haven't eaten a chocolate pop-tart in years.
  

• wear uncomfortable shoes, especially flats that rub off the skin on the outside of your pinky toe.
  

• compare yourself to others who work less, make more money, and have more prestige (which, let's face it, includes most of my Masters-level peers).

• feel guilty about unreturned e-mails and phone calls.

• daydream about your next vacation, particularly if your next vacation is not coming until September, which is not soon enough to elicit any sighs of relief.

• worry about the fact that the lack of cleanliness in your bathroom will soon create ideal conditions for all sorts of things that grow (and we're not talking plants here).

• be chatty with people at the office, as they are all getting on your nerves due to work-induced stress. You will inevitably say something not nice.

• delude yourself into thinking that you are still going to make it to the gym every morning.

• position yourself anywhere close to an open bag of chips.

• lose your sense of humor.
  

Weekend Highlights

• Attending Chinese Culture Days at the Missouri Botanical Gardens, which included:

• A parade, featuring the always-exciting dragon

• Lying on the grass and taking a nap in the sunshine between events
• Being entertained by kung fu, lion dancing, and acrobats (including seeing the unbelievable act pictured below)

• Attending the event solo, which was a quiet and welcomed change of pace after a hectic 60+ hours of work this week. I took my time, went to and from events as I pleased, spoke to no one, and left as soon as I was ready (and not a moment sooner or later).

• Strolling along the Loop with Dan (The Loop is a street about a block from our house with shops, restaurants, galleries, etc.). While out and about, we stopped in at Plowsharing Crafts for the purchase of some fair-trade coffee; perfect for World Fair Trade Day!
  

• Wearing my latest clothing purchase (pictured below), which I totally love

• Finally taking the time to sit down and finish The Golden Compass. I am now eagerly awaiting Book 2 (The Subtle Knife), which I have just requested from the library.

• Spending four hours with Dan drinking wine, listening to music, and making excellent progress on our newest puzzle

• Taking two of our customers to Bingo Night at our office on Friday evening. My job can really stress me out and make me crazy--no question about that. But you can't be unhappy playing bingo in a roomful of adults with disabilities. You just can't. It was heart-warming and hilarious, and a good reminder of why my work is worth doing.
  

Mother's Day

Mother's Day this year was a first. It was the first holiday following Adam's death where I really had to ask myself what to do. Should I send a card to Janet? What should it say? Is it inappropriate to get a gift? If I do get a gift, what in the world should it be? If I focus the day on Adam, am I overlooking the fact that she has two other sons and two stepdaughters? Is that a bad thing, or is that how it should be this year? Does Janet even feel like acknowledging the day at all?

This holiday is only the first that will be difficult, even awkward, over the next year. As much as I hate to admit it, in some ways I dread the thought of heading home for the holidays. The weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas will be unbearable. As if getting through the season of joy and merriment wouldn't be enough, Adam's birthday is December 16.

I tried to find the right Mother's Day card, but none of them were right. Most of them fell along the lines of "take the day to relax and do something for yourself," and they all wished a happy and restful day. I knew Mother's Day would be anything but that for Janet. And a gift. . . I didn't know if I should get one or not, and I couldn't begin to figure out what kind of gift might be the right one. Then I came across information about Little Windows in Real Simple magazine. Making a necklace with Adam's picture--something to honor Adam's memory that Janet could keep close to her--seemed like the obvious thing to do.

I ordered a kit to make a necklace. Like most craft kits, it's one of those things that should be easy but always proves to be difficult. Dan and I had to go to four different places before we could find a place to have a photo scanned into a digital format. We had trouble getting the photo to print after it had been formatted to the right size. I was battling constantly to keep bubbles from forming on the photo before the resin hardened, and as I began to make a hole in the resin for insertion of the necklace wire, the very tiny drill that came with the kit broke off at the end. The wire was flimsy and nearly impossible to get through the hole, and twisting it to make a loop for the necklace was not as easy as it should have been.

And the whole time, I was panicked. So much that, at one point, I burst into tears (right after the drill broke). Because the necklace is the only thing I could think of to do to help make it better. It was the only way I knew to show Janet that I even vaguely understood how hard the day was for her. Because it was one of the last means I have left to help keep Adam's memory alive. Because the truth is, the memory of him gets harder to hold onto every day.

With Dan's help, I finished the necklace, and it turned out beautifully. Janet called me today to let me know how much it means to her. But I know it's not enough. Nothing will ever be enough. And sometimes I don't feel like anything--even time--will ever make it better for her. And I don't know what to do with that. I've sent cards, I've framed photos, I've made donations for memorials, I've made a necklace. I'm out of things to do. And there are still so many more holidays to go.

Birthday!

Okay, so my birthday was actually about two weeks ago, but I was in San Francisco on my actual birthday (I can hardly think of a better birthday than that!) and was on call the following weekend. As such, my birthday celebrations with Dan were on hold until Saturday. I planned a series of fun/relaxing activities, promising myself that I would not a) think about my job or b) take care of things around the house.

Original Birthday Plan

• Eat somewhere fun and tasty for lunch
• Ride the paddle boats around the lake at Forest Park (while realizing that paddle boats are a little dorky but can't help wanting to get on one)
  

• Actually take the time to finish reading a novel in the afternoon
• Go out for delicious cheesecake and coffee in evening

Actualized Birthday Plan

• Go out for Nepalese/Indian food at Everest Cafe (if you have time and/or are bored at work, check out the website and read the unique story about the owner; just click on "the chef"). The food did not disappoint!

• Due to weather, paddle boats are no longer the plan, so instead we see "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" (which I generally find to be funny and actually kind of cute).
• Before leaving the theater, Dan and I take pictures in the photo booth. We haven't done this in years. I forgot how fun it is!
• After arriving home, I slip and pick up some things around the house/sort through mail. BAD birthday girl.
• Begin reading novel (the one I have been picking up and putting down for weeks now). Fall asleep on my fourth page, resulting in a delicious afternoon nap.
• Watch "27 Dresses," which is not as good as I hoped (by romantic comedy standards) but still enjoyable.
• Go out for cheesecake and coffee. Cheesecake = delicious. Coffee = not so good. Am disappointed by the latter but focus on the positive, including the fact that I have leftover cheesecake to take home, thus extending birthday celebrations another day. Yay!
  

The City

St. Louis has a wide number of notable designations. In recent years, it has had the honor of being ranked as the most dangerous city in the country and the most unhealthy. Populations have declined, and crime and poverty are evident. And unlike most metropolitan areas, the City of St. Louis is not within St. Louis County (long story there). This means that tax revenues generated in the County (home of the suburbs, affluent neighborhoods, and most businesses) never make their way to the City, where buildings are abandoned, neighborhoods are blighted, and people with less resources are concentrated. Downtown St. Louis is not like the downtown of most major metropolitan areas. While most cities have their share of poorer neighborhoods, downtown is usually the vibrant center of the city, the place where there are a good number of offices and businesses and high-rise housing for those few who can afford it. This is not the case with downtown St. Louis, which for the most most part often feels empty and abandoned.

There have been many efforts--some successful--to revitalize the downtown area, and I think that over many years it may become vibrant again. But many (if not most) of the people in the St. Louis area still tend to avoid the city, namely because they think it is unsafe. There are even staff who work at my organization who refuse to see customers there (I have my own feelings about that, but that's another post entirely).

Dan and I lived in the city limits the first year we moved to St. Louis and, after deciding to move closer to the university where I completed grad school, now live about a half mile or so outside the city limit. While not technically in the city, the area where we live still feels very urban. Yesterday, I was talking to someone at work about where I live, and the next thing I knew I was having a long discussion with two of my coworkers, both of whom proceeded to tell me about shootings, stabbings, robberies, and other violent crime in my neighborhood.

I realize that my neighborhood is a bit shady, though in no way is my neighborhood among the most dangerous in the city, and I think it's important to distinguish my neighborhood from those where hardly anyone would choose to live unless poverty forced them to. Nonetheless, in my own neighborhood, I do check out my window every once in a while to make sure my car is still there. I keep the doors locked even when I'm home, and I never ever walk alone at night. I have been aware of people being robbed at gunpoint less than a block from my house, and I know more than one person whose car has been broken into. I understand the need to be careful, for sure.

But all this talk of the "dangerous" city--and of my "unsafe" neighborhood--really bothers me. The way St. Louisans (and many others) label the city as dangerous just keeps people away from the city, keeps crime and poverty concentrated there, and keeps away much-needed resources for revitalization and good schools. Not to mention that this label overshadows all of the wonderful things about urban living. My neighborhood is wonderfully diverse, with a lovely array of older homes, and Dan and I live within walking distance of his job, our library, our post office, and a wide array of shops, restaurants, and bars. If that weren't enough, I adore my cute little house, pictured below, where Dan and I live on the first floor and pay ridiculously low rent for a lovely apartment in a historic building with hardwood floors and lots of windows.

A couple of years ago, Dan and I pinky swore that we would never live in the suburbs. I do not mean to bash the suburbs, as I realize there are many good reasons why people choose to live there, including more spacious and affordable housing, better schools, convenience to shopping and work, etc. But my heart belongs to the city, and I hope it always will. I hope I will always take the historic homes in "shady" neighborhoods over the brand new, cookie-cutter homes. I hope I will take the walking, short drives, and public transportation over the hour-long commutes. I hope I will take local boutiques over strip malls, and the nearby farmers' market over the big box grocery store. I hope I will take it all, the good and the bad, to be in the city, in the place so many people avoid, hoping one day they will take a second look and see all of the wonderful possibilities it holds for them.

Late-Nighter

Despite the stresses of my job, there is one thing that I can say that I truly love: the flexibility. Generally, I can make my own hours. Most of the time, my boss could care less where I am at as long as I am getting my work done. This is, of course, awesome, particularly if I need to do things like get a haircut or go to the doctor or skip out early on a Friday afternoon when the weather is gorgeous (okay, that last one might not technically qualify as a need).

The lack of structured hours has a downside, though, which generally translates into me working late hours and/or bringing work home. I try very hard not to do the latter, as it is hard enough to maintain separation between my home life and my work life when I am on-call so frequently. But the past couple of months have been crazy (hence my poor commitment to posting on the blog), I have more work than I can ever get done, and I can't take it anymore. My job is the type where you will never, ever be caught up, but I have fallen so far behind that it is really starting to weigh on me.

So, in the spirit of the college term paper, I am pulling a late-nighter (keeping in mind that I usually go to bed around 10:00 or 11:00, so if I make it to 1:00, I will consider that late). At this point I think the lack of sleep will more than make up for the stress that will be lifted from my shoulders. In the spirit of my friend Niki's blog, I shall periodically post a chronicle of events for the evening, as I have no doubt that I will soon become delirious. Perhaps this post will help me keep pushing through into the wee hours. . . .

7:55pm: I have managed to complete nearly an hour's worth of work while resisting the temptation of Internet access at my fingertips. So far, so good. However, realizing that the "American Idol" results show is upon me, I must now break for an hour.

9:05pm: Watched "AI" while also managing to finish the dishes, take out the trash, and clean out the litter box during commercials. Am pleased that I will no longer be subjected to Jason Castro.

9:10pm: Realize that I will never make it through this without coffee. Make a quick run to the coffee shop two blocks from my house. As I begin drinking my caffeine, I realize I am now officially in this for the long haul. I am suddenly not sure if this is a good idea.

9:40pm: After working for half an hour, I succumb to Internet accessibility and read blogs. After leaving a few comments, I force myself to stop reading and get back to work.

10:00pm: Wake up Dan (who is sick and has been napping all evening) and remind him to take out his contacts before he leaves them in all night and regrets it tomorrow morning (if only someone would remind me that tomorrow morning I might regret what I'm doing right now).

10:12pm: Important document #1 completed for work. Awesome.

10:40pm: Edits to important document #2 completed. Take a short break to say goodnight to Dan and to snuggle with Elsie.

11:00pm: Edits to document #3 completed. I am on a roll!

11:32pm: Okay, now I am starting to feel tired for sure. I am, however, making very good progress and am already feeling lighter, so I will try to push through. My coffee is not helping as much as I had hoped. Oh, second wind, if you are out there, won't you please come my way?

12:00am: Am almost done with my next project, one that has been hanging over my head for weeks. Before proceeding, I take a quick five-minute break to check out Smartini.

12:30am: Aforementioned project completed (this completes item #4 on my "to do" list). I am thinking longingly of my pillow. I am also starting to feel the strain on my wrists from all this typing. Sigh. . .

12:49am: What the hell was I thinking? I am tired. I want bed. However, I also remember all that I need to get done and will therefore try to press on a bit longer. Am concerned that I will wake up tomorrow morning, read over what I have completed, and realize that it makes no sense.

12:53am: Take a moment to visit The Onion, where I watch a video entitled "Age-Progression Technology Indicates Missing Child a Prostitute By Now." I think you can all guess where my productivity is headed at this point.

12:57am: Blankly staring at my computer screen.

1:03am: My cat has just left a room-clearing poop in the litter box (which happens to be right behind me, as the office is the only out-of-the-way place in our apartment where the litter box will fit). I take this as a sign that I should go to bed, pronto. To continue work completion, I plan to use my college strategy of sleeping a few hours and then getting up early to continue working (in this case, probably around 6:00).

And now, to bed. Wonderful, wonderful bed. Ahhh. . . .

Good Thing: Endangered Species Ringtones

To help raise awareness about endangered species, the Center for Biological Diversity is offering free ringtones that feature the sounds of endangered animals. About a week ago, I downloaded the recording of the humpback whale. Every time my phone rings, the soothing sounds bring me back to nature and remind me (and others) of the plight of endangered animals. They have dozens of different ones to choose from. . . alligator or elk, anyone?

The Post-Trip Post

I am way, way too busy and tired to do a complete post-trip recount (jet lag + sunburn + too much walking in San Fran + hours of work on the Interim Minister Committee ever since I returned = a very tired Jenn). I will just say that it was fabulous. The city was fabulous, the food was fabulous, the bay was fabulous. And spending real time with Ash and Nik was the most fabulous part of all.

Details and photos soon. . . .