Away for a While

My time at home has been packed catching up with family and friends, and as of tomorrow I will not have Internet access for an indefinite amount of time. We're hoping to get Internet as soon as possible after we arrive, but of course there's no telling how that will go.

I wish a Happy New Year to all of you, and I'll post again when I can!

Wish Me Luck

Last Friday was my last day of work (it was Dan's last day as well). I drove him to his office that morning, and on the way there he said he felt nervous. I did, too. You can know that change is coming, and even be excited about it, but for me there's always some benchmark I have to reach before the change feels real. The last day of work was a definite benchmark for both of us signaling that our lives were about to take a big shift. Definitely exciting, but also stressful--not only because of all the changes ahead, but also because of all the things that have to happen and have to be done before our lives will eventually settle back into some kind of stability.

We've been working hard the last several days wrapping up loose ends, contacting utility companies, running errands, getting ready for the holidays, concocting meals from the remains of our pantry and freezer, and, of course, packing. We've been so fortunate in so many ways, and though the packing is starting to get exhausting, I'm happy to report that we are nearing the light at the end of the tunnel. It appears that we might actually finish ahead of schedule--something I considered a near impossibility. As an extra incentive, we've agreed that if we finish up this weekend, we will head to Georgia a day early. I am desperate to get home for the holidays, so that extra motivation is enough to keep me packing far beyond my exhaustion point.

We head to Georgia on Tuesday at the latest, will be there until Sunday, then will be back here in St. Louis to meet the movers on Monday the 29th. On the 31st, we load up the cats in our car, drive to Columbus, Ohio, and enjoy a rockin' New Year's Eve at the La Quinta Inn right off of Interstate 70. We'll finish up our drive to Philly on the 1st, then wait for our stuff, which could arrive anywhere between the 2nd and the 8th. Dan starts work on the 5th. My sister gets married in Tennessee on the 9th. I am going to be one busy and tired girl.

All this is to say that I very likely will make sparse appearances from this point forward. I'll definitely pop in here and there, but if I disappear for several days, just imagine me surrounded by boxes, sitting by the Christmas tree with my mom, driving halfway across the country with my two sedated cats, or sitting in my empty apartment wishing for my couch, my bed, and dishes made of something other than paper.

There's so much ahead, and though it's a little overwhelming, I am so excited to be starting this next chapter in my life. Wish me luck!

Could My Hogwarts Letter Be Arriving Soon?

We've had a bit of ice and snow the past couple of days, and after many light flickers, our power finally went out last night. Dan and I lit candles and did the best we could to continue packing, but because we were in the middle of so much activity at the time of the outage, I felt rather jarred when everything suddenly went dark.

About 20 minutes after the lights went out, I was talking with Dan about that brief shock you experience when an outage first occurs, saying, "It's always so strange when the power suddenly goes out. Your first impulse is to just turn the lights back on."

Seriously, in the instant the words left my mouth, the power returned and the lights came on. Perhaps I am like Harry, able to make magical things happen without intention? Could this be just the beginning?

I am secretly hoping for an owl post any day now.

Happy Birthday, Adam

Today would have been Adam's 21st birthday. My stepmom, stepbrother, and dad visited his grave today, where they released 21 balloons. After years of struggle and troubles resulting from his addiction, I hope Adam is now as free as they are, soaring peacefully in the blue sky.

Missing Christmas

Christmas is, without question, my favorite time of year. I am a total sucker for the whole thing: the carols, the movies, the cookies, the parties, the trimming of the tree, the candelight service, the quintessential fireplace and hot chocolate. The usual things that cause people stress--buying gifts, hosting and attending parties, giftwrapping a hundred boxes--are things I have always enjoyed. I usually await Christmas every year with great anticipation; it is such a joyous and peaceful time for me, and has always been a very special day in my family.

In many ways I am so excited about the holidays. I can't wait to go home (I haven't been home since February), and my father-in-law will be joining us for Christmas, which will be a nice treat. Having drawn names, our Christmas stocking exchange has begun, and I am already quite excited and have started brainstorming ideas for my recipient's stocking. My lovely mother has extended a no-pressure invitation to my dad, stepmother, and stepbrother to join us all for Christmas dinner, understanding what a difficult holiday this will be for them, and they are planning to join us. It will be the biggest Christmas dinner of my life, and as a lover of all things holiday, I am really looking forward to it despite the sadness that will be lurking behind it. I can't wait to hug old friends and have a milkshake at The Grill, and to just be in the comfort of my mother's house where I spent so many years. She spends days--full days!--decorating, and it is a veritable Christmas wonderland. I can't wait to be surrounded by the lights and warmth.

But there's also facing the fact that this will be our first Christmas without Adam. That his birthday falls on December 16. That somewhere in the middle of festivities and grieving and reflection I will be packing up my stuff to ship it across the country, driving to Philadelphia in the middle of winter, and moving into a strange new place. Even my beloved Christmas tree with its many ornaments, so precious to me, won't make its way up this year because it just isn't practical considering that it would become one more thing to pack up.

As so, Christmas this year is not just the Christmas that I've always loved; it's Christmas and a million other things. I want to have the space for it all--the space to prepare for the move, to say goodbye to my life in St. Louis, to make a little room for this time I love, and to make sure the holidays don't pass by without remembering Adam. I feel tugged in so many directions, and all I really want to do is drink a cup of hot cocoa under a warm blanket in front of my very own Christmas tree, with no agenda but a peaceful and relaxing holiday and a time to renew my spirits. I've known that, realistically, the holidays were never going to be that. I've known that since we lost Adam in January. But you pile the move on top of everything else, and the deal is pretty much sealed--Christmas will not be the space that I need this year, and it most certainly will not be the same. And I already miss the most wonderful time of year, even this early on. I really do.

Grey's

I love "Grey's Anatomy." I really do. But I have to agree with the article here that the show is going to lose me soon if it keeps on its current track.

And the rumors that T.R. Knight is on his way out the door? Really, who the hell could blame him?

To my fellow "Grey's" fans, I strongly suspect this is the beginning of the end. Sad as it may be, I'm starting to think it's best for everyone.

Dreams

Sadly, for the most part, I do not remember my dreams. Even when I try to recall them upon waking, I usually only seem to remember the scary ones. In the last week, though, I've had several completely non-scary dreams that have remained vivid in my memory upon waking. Here is a quick summary, should they reveal anything telling about me. . .

• Dan and I are packing up the last of our stuff when we discover several extra rooms in our apartment. All of the sudden we realize that we have extra closets, another bedroom, and a full kitchen (regarding the latter, I respond, "We totally could have used both ovens when we were hosting everyone for Thanksgiving last year!").

• My friends Lena and Brandon are visiting. Just as they are getting ready to head back home, Lena realizes she cannot find her favorite shirt. We look all over the house, take a drive into the woods, and then I reach into the glovebox of the car and pull out a photo. It shows a picture of Lena's shirt right next to Snowbeary, my old teddy bear who now resides on my dresser. A true Nancy Drew, I stunningly discern that the shirt must be in my bedroom. We drive back, Lena and her shirt are reunited, and she and Brandon happily venture back home.
  

• And my personal favorite? It's my 30th birthday (which won't actually happen until April). There is a huge party, and friends and relatives from all over the country are attending. And then, as though it couldn't get any better, my mom surprises me with the best birthday gift of all: she has hired Lionel Richie for the evening's entertainment. Thanks to my fabulous mom, we are "Dancing on the Ceiling" "All Night Long."

Playlist

Thank you very much to the ladies who provided me with music suggestions. They will all definitely make their way onto my gym playlist!

Per Niki's request, here are a few of my own favorites, should anyone else need some extra motivation or just some fun car music (thanks goes to Ash for suggesting many of these to me when I was looking for ideas some time ago). There is more than one slightly embarrassing listing here, but hell, if a song can get me going at the gym at 6am, then I totally give it props.

"Just Fine," Mary J. Blige
"Survivor," Destiny's Child
"Stronger," Kanye West
"Smooth Criminal," Michael Jackson or Alien Ant Farm
"One Step at a Time," Jordin Sparks
"What's Your Flava," Craig David
"Hey Ya," Outkast
"Leavin'," Jesse McCartney
"Ride Wit Me," Nelly
"U Got the Look," Prince
"Lose My Breath," Destiny's Child
"Yeah," Usher
"If," Janet Jackson
"Jam," Michael Jackson
"Don't Stop the Music," Rihanna
"Forever," Chris Brown
"Single Ladies," Beyonce

Gift Idea and a Chance for Free Art

My lovely friend Sally, who recently won Best in Show in her first-ever juried photography exhibition in Atlanta, has made her photography debut in the world and now has her photos up for sale. Not only does she take beautiful photos, but her husband also happens to be quite the artist with the camera, and they are now offering an opportunity for folks to win one of their lovely photographs for free, including matting and framing! Visit here, and choose your favorite for a chance to win. Perhaps you will even find some lovely holiday gift ideas! Though it was nearly impossible for me to choose just one favorite (I love many of them), I'm hoping to win the one pictured below--just looking at the scenery and the beautiful colors makes me feel so relaxed and peaceful.

Winery at Sunset by Sally Parrott Ashbrook

Thanksgiving Weekend Recap

• I thoroughly enjoyed watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, having missed it last year due to dinner preparations for nine people. I could do without some of the bad pop, but you've gotta love the Sesame Street and Care Bears floats, the Smurf balloon, and of course the appearance of Rick Astley.

• Per family tradition, Dan threw in some Italian food with our usual Thanksgiving fare. This year, he made some scrumptious meatless meatballs with homemade sauce. Thank you, God, for pecorino romano. And Dan's mashed potatoes? Fabulous.

• I don't think I have participated in Black Friday in at least a decade (my mom, sister, and I used to head out each year). In fact, I usually purposefully avoid it. But Dan and I have been on the hunt for a Garmin, considering that we will soon be in a metro area of nearly 6 million people with no idea where the nearest grocery store is (and possibly no Internet when we first arrive). I decided to check the sales ads, and there it was--the basic model we wanted for $100 off on Friday morning. We lined up outside Target at 5:30am, picked up our Garmin within minutes of the store opening at 6, and were walking out of the store (along with several other discounted items) by 6:20. We saved $170 on things we were already planning to buy. Score.

• Such savings precipitated more searches for deals, as we both have been in need of more winter clothing and more clothes for work. I don't think Dan and I have ever spent so much time shopping together, and I'm quite sure that we have never spent that much time together in a mall, but we got great deals on lots of things we've needed, including some much-needed new shoes and boots (no more frozen toes for me!). And we managed to time it so that the crowds weren't bad at all.

• Our lease for our apartment in Philly arrived in the mail over the weekend (it's official--we have somewhere to live!), and someone came out to do an estimate for our move on Friday morning. After moving from Wilmington to St. Louis, Dan and I pinky swore never to drive a U-Haul across the country again, and while we looked into services like U-Pack and PODS, we discovered that it really wouldn't be that much more expensive for a full-service move (the real estate market has hit moving campanies hard, so there are deals to be had). The movers are going to pad our furniture and shrink wrap our couch. They are going to load it all up. They are going to drive it all halfway across the country to Philadelphia in the middle of winter and then carry it up three flights of stairs. They are going to be my new favorite people and totally worth the extra few hundred dollars.

• The pre-moving purge has begun. I am usually anti-stuff, but of course nothing motivates you to get rid of stuff quite like moving does (particularly when you are being charged by the pound for every little item you take with you). I love the extra motivation to get rid of things.
  

• At my suggestion, my family has officially decided to skip giving gifts to everyone this year and start what will (hopefully) become a new tradition. . . the Secret Santa stocking filler. We are each going to fill the stocking of one person with fun little things like candy and gift cards and little items (only my mom will know who has been assigned to whom); it will allow us to be creative and give a variety of gifts without spending too much. Not to mention that I think the poor stocking has been reduced in status over the years and should be reinstated as the bearer of Christmas joy--what happened to the simple pleasures of an orange and a candy cane? This is going to be so much more fun that the endless "What do we get so-and-so this year?" conversations, and the fact that my father-in-law and my sister's fiance will also be participating only adds to the excitement!

Good Thing: Gratitude

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity.... It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. ~Melodie Beattie

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures. ~Thornton Wilder

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

The Facebook Condundrum

About a month ago, my friend Kim--who is serving in the Peace Corps in South Africa--sent me an invitation to view her Facebook profile. I am, of course, eager to keep in touch and have news of her adventures. The problem is that I do not have a a Facebook account, and I have been reluctant to have one (or anything like it) for years.

I am always a little slow when it comes to communication technology. I thought about putting up a blog long before I was actually ready to do it, and I am very selective about the blogs I read. I do not have a MySpace or Facebook account, or anything similar. I was slow to get e-mail when it first started up, and even slower to get a cell phone. I have no interest in anything that allows me to check my e-mail when I am away from my computer. I still rarely send text messages, and almost always prefer phone calls.

Part of this is my aversion to spending a lot of time on the computer. I enjoy checking e-mail and reading blogs, and I check out a few websites here and there, but I have never been one to sit and browse. When I was a freshman in college, I spent a lot of time on Instant Messenger before I realized that I spent almost as much time chatting on my computer as I did talking to people in real life. I quit using it almost immediately.

Aside from a constant desire to reduce my computer time (and instead get to a book or take a walk outside), some of the new ways of communicating just don't feel as meaningful to me. For years and years, I was an avid letter writer. In addition to my Swedish pen pal, I wrote to my great aunt (who I never met) until the day she died, to an old college professor, and to several friends during their time overseas. In high school and college, my friends and I often exchanged heartfelt letters and cards, or just little notes to say hello. My dad sent me letters almost weekly after I left home for school. I rarely send letters anymore, and it's even rarer that I get a heartfelt card in my mailbox (not that I am always particularly good at sending them, either). Of course, heartfelt e-mails are nice, but there's something to be said for holding a note in your hand, penned by someone you love. A note in Times New Roman or Arial font is not the same as someone's handwriting. E-mails are deleted or practically disappear into folders I never revisit; letters stay tucked away and are lovingly reread anytime I move or clean out my desk or just feel nostalgic. On top of this, I absolutely adore stationery. I have three small drawers full of beautiful cards and paper, and I am constantly resisting the temptation to buy more.

For me, it's all about choices. I have limited time, and I have been growing more conscious in recent years about how I spend it. More and more, I am seeking quality over quantity. True friends instead of just more friends, especially as I see my truest friends less and less as we move away, start new schools or jobs, get married, and have families. Don't get me wrong--e-mail and blogging has been a wonderful way to stay connected with current friends and reconnect with old ones (and even make some brand new ones!). But I miss taking the time to send cards to my friends. I miss the kind of conversations you can only have while sitting down over coffee or a glass of wine. I'd like to make more space in my life for phone calls instead of quick e-mails, more room for heartfelt cards of appreciation for what people mean to me instead of e-cards that only appear on birthdays and holidays. You know, the old stuff. In my mind, the good stuff.

Of course, I know there are great things about Facebook, too, like catching up with people you never otherwise would have reconnected with, as my friend Ash very recently did. On the other hand, I am well aware that it is a notorious time sucker. To reap the benefits of Facebook (including keeping up with Kim!), I will definitely join, and I'm looking forward to having another way to keep up with folks and reconnect with people who could be new true friends in my life. But I don't want to spend too much time there answering friend requests from people I have no real interest in talking to, or obsessively looking up ex-boyfriends or past classmates or coworkers. I will join, but to avoid getting sucked in, I might literally set a timer to make sure I don't spend too much time there. Hopefully that will still leave me some time to call those dear friends I haven't talked to in months, or send my grandmother a letter, or call up a friend here in town for some conversation and hot cocoa. That is the stuff I miss, and if it's quality over quantity, I will take that, please.

Suggestions, Please

I am seeking new music for my MP3 player, as I am one of the last dinosaurs in America who does not yet own an iPod. The specific purpose of this music is an extra kick of motivation at the gym. I have a nice list started, but I'm looking for more options so I will have lots of ways to change things up. Anything will do--my current playlist includes everything from Michael Jackson to world music to Flight of the Conchords to Kanye West. Suggestions are most appreciated.

More Luck

One of the things that makes me a little sentimental about leaving St. Louis, aside from the fact that I will miss the Botanical Gardens, is that I love my apartment. It is in an old building, with a private entrance, hardwood floors, lots of natural light, and a little sunroom in front that our cats have claimed for their own. We are within 10 minutes' walking distance of dozens of restaurants and shops, including Mi Ranchito, my favorite Mexican place. Our laundromat is half a block away, as is the library and post office, and our gym is about a mile away. Top all of that with the fact that it's very affordable and our management company is great (they are right on top of maintenace issues, and they've been very forgiving the one or two times when life got overwhelming and we forgot to pay rent), and you can see why I am hesitant to leave it behind.

Our lovely little building

While Dan was in Philly for his interview, we decided it made sense for him to stay a couple of extra days and check out apartments in the area. There were several places that could have worked, and luckily they all had availability just a few days before Dan hoped he would start his job. After he got the offer yesterday, we contacted the landlord of the place we were most interested in only hours later. In yet another fabulous stroke of luck, the landlord got back to us right away, indicating that the apartment is still available. We've sent a deposit to hold the place via PayPal, and barring any mishaps, we have one job lined up and a place to live, all accomplished within 24 hours. Score!

The apartment is in the city (not far from Center City), in a lovely, leafy area called East Falls. In addition to having hardwood floors (I would find it hard to go back to carpet at this point), it has extra storage space in the basement and a washer and dryer on site (trust me, these are both a very big deal). It is just steps away from streets full of rowhouses, two blocks from a library in an historic building, less than a mile from an affordable gym, and half a block from the train station (this will make for awesome commuting)! And, unless disaster strikes, we are going to live there!

With a job in place and an apartment waiting for us, everything else seems like it will fall into place. Sure, there is more to do than I would like to think about, and no doubt mishaps will occur, but with those two things out of the way (and so quickly!), it is definitely letting both me and Dan breathe a huge sigh of relief. I can hardly believe we'll be on the way in only six weeks!

Luck

Last month, I took a huge leap of faith when I decided to leave my job. It simultaneously seemed like the right thing to do and a completely insane thing to do. Now is hardly the time to be tossing jobs aside, and my recent history with job searches is nothing short of a horror story. I literally had no plan except to get out of there.

When it comes to jobs and moves, I've come to the conclusion that there is no predicting things. After college, I joined AmeriCorps, moved to Nashville with no place to live, and ended up living on the couch of a person I met on the Internet until we found an apartment together. This is not necessarily a smart thing to do, but luckily it worked out and she is now a good friend. Years later, I graduated with a Master's degree from the #2 school of social work in the country, had a host of connections in the St. Louis area, snagged many interviews and had glowing recommendations, and remained underemployed for nearly eight months. So much for predictions and conventional wisdom.

Last month, it seemed like a ridiculous stroke of luck when my supervisor asked me to stay on after I submitted my resignation. I'll admit that it was more than luck--I was very good at my job--but the fact that someone would practically create a position for me seemed a little too good to be true. I do not have luck with jobs. I was quite prepared for yet another long stretch of unemployment. Given the fact that I was handed a break, it seemed impossible that Dan could also be so fortunate.

Last week, Dan had his interview in Philadelphia. During his first interview (via phone), his potential supervisor seemed to practically be falling all over him. He felt really good about things and booked his plane ticket with confidence. However, during the in-person interview, he seemed a lot less sure as the interviewer threw out things like "we have several great candidates" and "this seems like the kind of job where you might work a couple of years and then move on." He left the interview feeling a bit disheartened. In keeping with our original plans, he looked at apartments anyway, though we couldn't help wondering if it was a little premature to do so. After several days passed with no word, we decided that the best thing to do was accept that the job may not be for him and hope something else came along.

And then, this afternoon, he got the call. He got the job, and with a higher salary than he was expecting. When he called me at work today to give me the news, I literally squealed aloud at my desk. Since the job is at a university, the benefits are great. The department is totally fine with letting him start January 5 so that we have time to move; luckily, the apartments that we have in mind are available January 1. It looks like there will continue to be work for me at my job until I'm ready to go, and of course Dan will be employed in his current position until the move. It could hardly be more serendipitous.

I'm ecstatic at the thought of moving, so proud of Dan for his accomplishment, and so ready to move on to the next phase of our lives. There is a tiny part of me, though, that feels uneasy. It's all coming together so well that I'm almost waiting for the other shoe to drop. So many people are struggling now; why should we be so fortunate? How did Dan manage to find a job so easily when so many people are having such a hard time? And--this is the part that makes me most nervous--what will my job search be like? After my last experience, I would have been nervous about my job search regardless of the economy. Add the flailing job market to my bad experience, and it's enough to make me not want to think about it at all.

Just yesterday, one of Dan's good friends, who also happens to live in Philly, got news that he did not get the job he has been hoping for for weeks. I am acutely aware that so many people I know and love are having a difficult time right now, are worried about their futures, and can hardly bear to think about how all the bills will be paid. Though my initial reaction to Dan's news was nothing short of enthusiasm (I am honestly so proud of him and can't wait to be in Philly!), only hours later I'm having to remind myself that this is wonderful news, that I do have every reason to be happy and hopeful, and that now is not the time to worry about what will come next. As I've learned many times, there is no predicting. But we can keep working at it, and keep hoping. And every once in a while, when you least expect it, luck really will be on your side. I wish the same for all of you.

And on that note, I must say that I am so excited. I'm so ready for a change, I can't wait to be closer to family and friends, and I've been waiting to live in a fantastic city on the East Coast for a long time. Philly, here we come!!

Almost French

I'm not exactly a book critic, but I wanted to take a minute to recommend my latest read, Almost French by Sarah Turnbull. It's a memoir about an Australian woman who meets a French man in Bucharest, takes him up on his offer to visit him in Paris, and ulimately decides to stay with him for good. This is a light, humorous read, mostly due to the author's knack for doing and saying exactly the wrong things as she fumbles her way through an undeniably paradoxical culture. There were times when the writing left me a little cold, and the plot isn't exactly thriller-paced, but it is a fascinating glimpse into French life. I was totally engrossed learning all sorts of tidbits about Parisians: their tendency to avoid talking to one another at cocktail parties (apparently it's not uncommon for couples to spend the entire evening talking only to each other), their impression that shorts or jogging pants worn in public equates to polluting their beautiful city, and their neverending devotion to food (I'm totally down with this one).

If, like me, you don't have the time or money for a real vacation, reading this book is a lovely way to vicariously spend your days in Paris. As an added bonus, it will give you some great tips on how to act like less of an obnoxious American should you ever have the chance to visit in person. :)

Photos

I have a random assortment of photos I've been wanting to post. They have no real theme in common except that they were all taken in the last few months and represent fun little things I've been up to. I will refrain from trying to cleverly tie them together in any other way.

Dan and I visited a local sculpture park in September. We weren't really blown away, but I was instantly drawn to this one, no doubt due to my obsession with trees.

Dan and one of the park's most recent acquisitions (because who doesn't like a ginormous eyeball?)

This one was actually pretty impressive, if only for its enormity. You can see a tiny little me in the bottom left corner.

One of our latest puzzles, a gift from my sister. This one was freakin' hard. But of course that just made it all the better when we finally plugged in the last piece!

My dad came for a visit in October. We were at the farm for apples and pumpkins, but he couldn't resist a picture with the past-its-prime corn.

Dan in front of his elementary school, outside of Chicago. This was the first chance I've had to be in a place where he grew up, so it was kind of a special moment for us.

On Election Day, enthused with the results

A Big Day Tomorrow

Dan's job interview is tomorrow at 9am. I'm dying to see how it turns out, and to find out if we might be moving to Philly in the near future. Please think of him tomorrow morning and send him good luck!

Seven Things

I've been tagged by Eve to share seven things you might not know about me. I would never, ever say no to Eve.

1) I do not know how to dive. I have never even really tried to do it. I just never quite got how it's all supposed to work and what I'm supposed to do with all of my body parts. I either take the pool steps or ungracefully jump in.

2) I am even more anal retentive than I seem. I sometimes think I border on obsessive compulsive. If someone turns a picture frame 30 degrees on my dresser, I will totally notice it and move it back. Most nights, I have to put all the pillows back on my couch just so and refold our living room blanket before I go to bed. Everything on my desk stays in neat little stacks. It drives me crazy when things are out of place. Someone could make a very fun game out of living with me. . . .

3) I am the person who actually buys the six packs of Valentine's Day and Easter and Halloween and Thanksgiving cards. I feel ridiculous buying cards for every little holiday, but I just get so excited about holidays that I can't help it. Plus I love to write cards and send mail. I continue to send a ridiculous number of Christmas cards every year, even to people who have never once acknowledged a Christmas card that I have sent them. I feel a little guilty about the environmental impact of all those cards, but it makes me so happy to send them, and sending e-cards just isn't the same.

4) Speaking of correspondence. . . I have had the same pen pal since the sixth grade. She lives in Sweden. A few years ago we switched to e-mail, but we still keep in touch now and then. It's astounding to me that I've been writing someone I have never met for over 15 years. Hopefully we'll meet someday when I finally make it to Europe!

5) I have an obsession with staying well-hydrated and well-moisturized. I rarely go anywhere without water, lip balm, and lotion. I cannot sleep at night before applying lotion to my hands, putting on lip balm, and taking one last sip of water before I turn out the light. See #2.

6) One of my favorite things in the world is Totino's Crispy Crust Party Pizzas (cheese, please). These are the extra-super cheap pizzas that usually sell for around $1. I inexplicably get cravings for them. I will admit that I truly love them, and that I deliberately avoid reading the ingredient list and nutrition information.

7) I am more domestic than I ever realized or was ready to admit. I love baking cookies and hosting parties. I love using my fancy dishes. I love that I have pretty towels and sheets. I feel ridiculous happiness walking around places like IKEA, Target, Crate & Barrel, and Bed, Bath, & Beyond. I've noticed that I gravitate more and more to the home magazines at the bookstore. I used to make fun of my mom's magazines and her talk of curtains and bedspreads--I honestly thought that would never be me, but here I am. It is weird, but good.

Stoked to be on my first visit to an IKEA store (Pittsburgh)

I don't think I will do any deliberate tagging here, but if anyone wants to share their own seven things, by all means, please do!

And in Continued Good News. . .

Prop 2 passed overwhelmingly in California, it looks like Question 3 will pass in Massachusetts, and a rescue dog will be making his or her way to the White House. Hooray for the animals!

I finally made it to bed at 2:30 after being up and going for 22 hours. Last night while brushing my teeth, I looked in the mirror at my tired, bloodshot, puffy eyes. "God," I said aloud,"I look like shit. But I am happy shit."

Not everything went the way I hoped statewide and locally, and I'm still hoping Prop 8 will be defeated in California, but I must say, overall, this is the best election ever!

Yes We Can

This morning my alarm was set for 4:45am, but I woke up at 4:25 and couldn't get back to sleep. It felt like times when I have awoken early the night before a trip, trying in vain to trick myself into going back to sleep by pretending that it is just another day. Dan and I arrived at our polling place just before 6 when the polls opened. I could not believe what we saw when we arrived--well over a hundred people already in line. The line continued to grow and, eventually, circled around the corner and out of sight. In the end, we waited in line for three hours before finally casting our votes for change.

The strange thing is, the time at the polls seemed to fly by. We live in a very diverse--and heavily Democrat--area. While waiting in line, people literally danced in the streets. They sang, including two different rounds of "Happy Birthday" upon discovering the birthday of a neighbor in line next to them. They laughed. They told jokes. They emerged from the polling place with shouts of enthusiasm and their arms held high. I have never, ever witnessed anything quite like what I saw this morning. There was so much excitement and joy in the air. There was no question that we were a part of something very big. At 9am, 8am, and even at 7am, people could not hold back their anxious anticipation of what was to come and of what could be.

The only downside of this long wait was its infringement upon my volunteer time. I was scheduled to volunteer from 7-9am (or thereabouts) at a polling place for Obama. No one--not even the Obama volunteer coordinators--anticipated that my wait in line would be so long. By the time Dan and I arrived at the Obama office around 9:30, things at the polls had slowed down, there was no immediate need for folks (they actually had a surplus of volunteers!), and I was in desperate need of getting to work. With great disappointment, I left my volunteer plans behind. Dan volunteered with the campaign for the rest of the day, and I went to work and then on to class, trying once again to pretend it was a normal day in a vain effort to gain focus on the tasks at hand.

Tonight, Dan and I joined a group of 15 or so for a results watch party. When the words "President-Elect Barack Obama" flashed on the screen, I did not really understand. As the champagne was uncorked and cheers rang in the air, I did not understand. As the electoral votes continued to pile up and John McCain conceeded, I still did not understand. It was not until Barack Obama gave his acceptance speech that I finally understood. I finally could look at someone and say, "That is my President." I finally heard my President speaking in a language I understood, in words that rang true to me, with a sincerity and hope that made me believe maybe it is possible to have the world I dream of. I couldn't keep the tears from falling down my face, could not hide my joy and relief at finally feeling that--for the first time--an elected official was committed to being a representative of the people, to being a representative of me. After years of feeling like a stranger in a strange land following many an election, I finally felt like an American at home in her own country. It is a beautiful and overwhelming thing to finally see the glimmers of a land you have always wished for--the one that just might live up to all the grand things you've been told about your great nation from the time you were small. To actually think about your country and say to yourself, "I can't wait to see where we go next." For the first time, in a long time, to believe in the place you call home. And to know that, for so many people, they might be able to believe in the promise of this country for the very first time.

Yes, we can. Yes, we did. And yes, we will.

Seriously

I am sick. Again. I have yet another sinus infection, after finishing antibiotics for my first sinus infection only three weeks ago. I spent almost all weekend in bed. This is doubly sad because it appears I missed the only weekend to really enjoy the fall leaves at their peak, and they are gorgeous this year.

Fearing that my infection might interfere with my plans for Election Day, I called my doctor first thing. I have already begun my next round of antibiotics (I am, by the way, not antibiotic-happy or anything, but I know from much experience that nothing else will do at this point).

I will be at the polls tomorrow morning, dammit. I will vote, I will volunteer for Obama, I will make it to the watch party tomorrow night. I have been waiting for this for eight years and no little sinus infection will stop me!

(Seriously, I am begging the universe to please, please let me be well tomorrow morning. Missing Election Day will be like missing Christmas--it cannot happen!) Here's hoping that some rest and antibiotics do their job.

Whatever your political persuasion, happy voting tomorrow!

Reasons I Am So, So Happy Right Now

• My sister just sent me a picture of her wedding dress. It is to-die-for gorgeous and I am getting super excited about the big day (January 9!).

• A conservative friend of ours has indicated that he is not voting for McCain, that he is considering Obama, and that he's thinking maybe he's not as conservative as he thought.

• My November/December issues of Vegetarian Times just arrived and I am starting to drool over the prospect of Thanksgiving dinner.

• "Grey's" is on in less than an hour.

• Dan and I have plans tomorrow night to eat candy and watch "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" and "The Nightmare Before Christmas" (our Halloween tradition). If only trick-or-treaters came to our house. . . sigh.
  

• I totally had on a cute outfit today. That always makes you feel good.

• There are pumpkins in our living room that we picked while my dad was visiting. And tonight I will enjoy the last slice of pie I made from juicy apples we picked at our favorite orchard. Mmmm.
  

• Dan had a rockin' phone interview yesterday, and he's headed to Philly on November 13 for an in-person interview. All signs indicate that things are looking very good, though of course we're still being cautiously optimistic. If all goes well, we could be moving in as little as six weeks. . . AH!

• I signed up this afternoon to volunteer for the Obama campaign on Election Day. Since I have to work, and then I have class until 8:30, the only time I can volunteer is from 5:45-9:00am (it is going to be a long day, followed by an election results watch party that will last until God knows when). Despite the prospect of getting up at 4:30am, I'm quite excited about playing a small role in a potentially huge day in US history.

Leaving It Behind

Last Thursday, at 5:14pm, I turned off my pager for the last time. I headed out the door with my bag, my desk lamp, and the beautiful flowers Dan sent me for our anniversary. As melodramatic as it might sound, clearing out my desk and walking out the door felt like taking a step toward myself. There was literally a feeling of being free.

True to form, Dan and I celebrated with food, popping over to our favorite Chinese place before packing up our bags for our anniversary/celebratory trip to Chicago (one of my favorite places in the world). Hoping to reign in some spending, we decided to stay for one night rather than two and headed out on Friday morning for an overnight trip. We indulged in deep dish pizza, marveled at the architecture, took in the energy and beauty of the city, and saw the outstanding view from the 94th floor of the John Hancock Observatory after dark. On Saturday afternoon, we drove up to North Chicago to visit one of Dan's childhood neighborhoods. As a child of the military, Dan has never really had a "hometown" to speak of, so this was the first chance I've had in the six years we've been together to visit a place where he grew up. I happily had my picture taken in front of his elementary school.

Despite all the recent bliss, it has been a rough week. I have had not one, not two, but four migraines in the last five days. I spent Saturday morning throwing up in the bathroom of our hotel room, sending poor Dan on errands for saltines and Gatorade--not exactly the relaxing trip I had in mind. Another migraine Sunday morning, then again on Sunday evening, and I could hardly believe it when I woke up with yet another yesterday morning. Having this many migraines in succession has never happened to me before, and the only explanation I can come up with is that there is stress upon stress literally trying to make its way out of my body. In all honesty, for the last two years, I don't think I've really been able to fully relax. As much as I tried to let it go, the tension and overwhelming stress of my job always seemed to be with me. I really do think it's possible that these migraines are signs that my body is trying to finally leave it all behind. If that's the case, it's astounding to think what sort of toxins have been building up in my system all this time, and it makes me so grateful that I was in a position to walk away from it all.

As I've noted before, I am fortunate that my organization is retaining me temporarily, with the same salary and benefits, though in an entirely different capacity. On Monday morning, I arrived at work at 9. I no longer have a desk, so I occupied the space of a coworker who is currently out. I got my assignments for the day. I shuffled papers and typed data into spreadsheets. I took a lunch break (something I often did not do in my former position). I realized with bliss that I no longer have an office phone. I left at 5. As I walked away from my desk, I realized that my pager was not on its usual place on my hip. I started to head back for it, then rememered with glee that I don't have a pager anymore. I get to leave work at work for once, leaving the stress behind. Right now, there is nothing better than that.

Happy Anniversary, Baby

Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because that is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. . . . That is just being "in love," which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. . . . We have roots that grow toward each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from our leaves, we will find that we are one tree and not two.

--from Corelli's Mandolin by Louis De Bernieres
(Reading at our wedding, October 14, 2006)

How Cool Is This?

About a week ago, Dan and I headed to The Pulitzer Foundation for the Arts to see the Light Project. The Project includes several outdoor light installations that arose not only from a commitment to art but from an initiative to promote revitalization of urban areas.

For the piece pictured below, the Foundation and artists took an abandoned and dilapidated church building, asked people to donate their old lamps, and created something that I think is truly extraordinary.

Chorus by Rainer Kehres & Sebastian Hungerer

Feeling Like Myself Again

As expected, my cold continued to get worse. On Monday night, I was coughing so horribly that I strained muscles in my chest and back and couldn't get to sleep until 3:30. I called off work on Tuesday and made a doctor's appointment. After diagnosing me with a sinus infection and giving me prescriptions, my doctor did the most wonderful thing: he gave me a note for a couple of days off work so I could finally get the rest I needed.

Happily, it worked. Though I'm not at 100%, I feel tremendously better and like myself again. I head back to work tomorrow, leaving me with only five more days at my job. Five more days. I can hardly believe it. And, as it happens, I will not be unemployed right away. My organization has decided to temporarily keep me on in an entirely different capacity--no pager, no customers, no staff supervision. I will strictly be helping prepare files for our big audit right before Thanksgiving. At this point, a Monday through Friday job of nothing but boring paperwork sounds heavenly.

This afternoon, my boss sent an e-mail to our department announcing that my replacement had been hired. A part of me felt panic: that idea of being replaced, written proof that my decision to leave is final. But overwhelmingly, I feel like I am regaining control of my life. I imagine how it will be when I have my weekends free again, when I can make plans without fear that they will have to be rescheduled due to some work crisis. I can come home at the end of the day and leave work at work, instead of having it constantly (and literally) attached to me in the form of a pager. I will sleep through the night instead of awakening in the middle of it trying to sort through one work-related problem or another. I will not have to worry about staff shortages, or customers with nowhere to live, or deadlines that are impossible to meet. Despite all the unknowns ahead of me, I feel a greater sense of control than I have in a long time. Even through the cold-induced haze of the last several days, I have felt more like myself than I have in several months. And that feeling is worth everything--panic and all.

Sick

I think The Plague has found me. I started getting a sore throat last Sunday, which lasted for a few days, then moved into endless coughing, and now it is all just stuck up in my head. I keep thinking I'm going to get better, and instead I keep getting worse. I'm sure I'll be off to the doctor soon, but in the meantime I'll be in bed with a humidifier and some broth, trying not to repeatedly remind myself how much this sucks.

Wow!

So, my sister calls me last night, in the middle of the season premiere of "Private Practice," and says casually, "Seester, I have something to tell you." I ask her if she would mind if I called her back during the next commercial (what can I say? I love my shows, few as they are). When I call her back, she says, "Seester, I'm getting married!" After congratulations and excitement and questioning of details, I immediately feel sheepish and apologize for putting wedding news on hold for a TV show.

Plans are yet to be determined, but it looks like possibly a December wedding. My little sister is getting married, y'all. I can hardly believe it.

Congratulations, Seester!

Happy World Vegetarian Day!

In addition to being the first day of my favorite month of the year, today also is the kickoff of Vegetarian Awareness Month. My intention here is not to convince everyone that they should follow a vegetarian diet (though for selfish reasons I will admit that a drastic increase in the vegetarian population sure would help expand my menu options at restaurants). :) I realize most people find a vegetarian diet impractical and/or undesirable, and I am not out to guilt trip you (I, for one, am well aware of the benefits and impact of a vegan diet, yet I continue to happily eat my cheese). I do think, however, that today provides a good opportunity to remind people of the benefits of eating less meat, even if one is unable to give it up altogether.

So this is just a friendly reminder, taken from the World Vegetarian Day website, that every meatless meal can help reduce the risk of major health issues including heart disease and cancer, provide a viable answer to feeding the world's hungry, reduce animal suffering, conserve our planet's resources, decrease greenhouse gases, preserve ecosystems, and reduce the pollution caused by animal agriculture.

Again, I'm not suggesting that everyone should give up meat, or that you should feel bad if you don't. If you salivate at the thought of bacon or barbecue ribs, by all means, I would not deny you that pleasure, and I realize that for health reasons some people would find it extremely difficult to get their needed nutrition elsewhere. But maybe, just for this month, you could give up meat once a week? According to the Meatless Monday website, "If every American replaced one chicken meal per week with a vegetarian one, the carbon dioxide savings would be the same as taking more than a half-million cars off U.S. roads." And if you replace that chicken with a delicious pasta dish or a comforting vegetable soup, trust me, you won't miss a thing.

Happy Veg Eating!

In the Light of Morning

On Friday afternoon, I put in my notice at work.

And, no, it's not because Dan or I have found a job in Philadelphia. In fact, as of October 17, I will likely not have a job at all. Scary? A bit. The right thing to do? I think so.

It's a little hard to explain what led up to my notice. For those of you who have been in conversation with me since I started my job in January '07, you know that my work life has been quite a roller coaster. When I started my job last year, going to work felt like a nightmare. I toughed it out, made it through until a company restructure in October, and for the most part, things have been good since that time. I love my customers and most of the staff I supervise, and in many ways my job has been a great match for my skills, strengths, and professional growth. Nonetheless, it has continued to mean long hours, constant crises, a pager clipped to my hip around the clock, and a caseload too big to manage. In other words, it has been to-the-bones exhausting.

I was quite prepared to push through until Dan and I were ready for Philadelphia, but in the last couple of months, things have changed. Little by little, our department seems to be slowly slipping back to our days before the restructure. The responsibilities given to us are overwhelming, and the staff turnover rate is daunting. The management is too overwhelmed to provide the same support they have in the past. I see people in the office who are in tears, and others who look as though they have not slept in days (with the staffing shortages we are experiencing in our homes, many of them probably haven't).

When your job takes the place of your life, it's time to go. When you can't get to the dentist or get your cats to the vet because every appointment has to be rescheduled due to some work crisis, it's time to go. When your job interferes with your mental health, your physical health, your sleep, your marriage, and your sense of self, it's time to go. After calling Dan in tears nearly every day of the week for the last two weeks, and after being presented at work on Friday with yet more responsibilities that would take my 50+ hours per week job to 60+ hours per week--with not a lot of pay and likely more responsibilities on the way--it was time to go. I typed up my notice at my desk, respectfully gave it to my boss, and took a leap into the unknown.

Despite my sensitivity and tendency for high emotions, I am usually quite practical when it comes to making decisions. In many ways, quitting a job right now is a crazy thing to do. I am keenly aware of the state of the economy, of the impracticalities of being unemployed, of the importance of a steady paycheck. My last job search was horrible, resulting in seven months of underemployment, constant financial worries, and a feeling of being so small in this world that I was sure no one would ever take note of me again. Choosing between that and and the hell of my job left me with no practical choice at all. I was so overwhelmed with feeling trapped between two evils that I literally begged the universe for a sign. On Friday, I feel like I got one, and I finally put practicalities aside in the interest of taking care of myself.

Though it's never a comfortable feeling to dip into your savings, the reality is that Dan and I will be fine financially if I do not find work for a while. Nonetheless, I will admit that the possibility of being unemployed while needing to pay for moving expenses and prepare for a higher cost of living makes me more than a little uneasy. The thought of another job search after the terrifying experience of my last one is almost enough to make me crawl under my sheets and refuse to come out again. Every once in a while, I can't help but question my decision and wonder if I've made a mistake, despite every assurance from myself and others that it was the right thing to do.

Yesterday morning, on my way to a 12-hour day at work, I stopped for a cup of coffee, one of those little things I have done for myself now and then to help me get through the day. Outside the shop, a man asked me for change. Resorting to my habitual response of "Sorry" and a guilty smile, I moved along. I then proceeded to tell myself the usual justifications many of us tell ourselves for not giving over a handful of coins: I can't give money to everyone. He'll probably just use it for drugs. I give lots of money to charity. I'm going to have to stop giving money away now that I won't have a job and focus on taking care of myself. Almost instantly, I rethought my decision. I went back, found the man, and handed over some bills. "I'm going to get me some coffee," he said. That little thing to help him get through the day.

I have no idea what will happen next for me. I am not a person comfortable with uncertainty. Maybe I will find a job soon, maybe I won't. Maybe this will turn out to be a big mistake. Nonetheless, I'm going to try to push aside the voices of doubt, remind myself that this was the right thing to do, and say a little prayer that this job search will not be a repeat of my last one. As I walked away from the man outside the coffee shop, he said, "God bless you." I'm not sure that I believe God will bless you just because someone wishes it. Still, as I walked with my steaming cup of coffee in the crisp fall air and soft light of morning, I felt perfectly at peace as I thought to myself, "Maybe God will."

In My Hot Little Hands

Despite the fact that I saw this movie three times in the theater (twice by myself and once with Ashley), and despite the fact that the DVD will likely be in stores for many years to come, I felt a pressing need to get it today. In fact, I decided to get it at Target on my way to work this morning, along with toilet paper and kitty litter and printer paper. Though I would love nothing more than to watch it immediately (what better way to zone out after a 12-hour day?), I'm holding off until Saturday when my friend Sara and I will enjoy it with snacks and cosmopolitans (of the virgin variety, since she is pregnant). And to think, I also get to look forward to the premiere of "Grey's" on Thursday. . . woohoo!

Renewal in Fall

When Dan and I stepped off the plane from our trip to Pennsylvania, the rain was pouring here in St. Louis. The remnants of Ike had made their way to Missouri, and the heavy rains had left streets flooded. The dreary weather definitely added to our general malaise upon the end of our vacation. The sheets of rain and gloomy skies only increased my desire to take a long nap and pretend that I did not have to return to real life (happy as I was to see my kitties again).

Later that afternoon, the rain moved on, and I noticed the most exhilarating thing: there was a hint of. . . dare I say. . . cool air. It was a refreshing, crisp, clear air, so unlike the heavy and humid air we had left when we boarded the plane to PA. I went to the grocery store, and the peaches and watermelons had been replaced with apples and cider and miniature pumpkins. I stepped out into the parking lot and the brisk air made me wonder if I should have brought a sweater.

Out of all of my favorite things, there are few that I love more than fall. For me, nothing is more comforting and satisfying than a trip to our local farm to pick pumpkins and apples followed by an evening at home with a cozy blanket and a steaming cup of cider. While I am learning to appreciate the beauty of each season, I can honestly say that there are many times of the year when my heart just aches for fall. Something about the cool air and the changing leaves renews my spirit in a way that nothing else can.

As Dan and I returned from our trip--a trip designed to help us plan the next phase of our lives--it felt so fitting that the cool, changing winds of fall had made their way here in our absence. It was almost as if the seasons were telling me that now is indeed the time for change. After an exhausting and emotional year, one that has left me with little energy on many days, I'm hoping that the crisp fall air will give me the extra bit of renewal I need to make that change happen. So far, it hasn't disappointed.

City Commentary

A brief summary of my thoughts during our trip to Pennsylvania

Philadelphia (Friday through Tuesday)

• Damn, they love their Dunkin' Donuts here.
• Let's hear it for rowhouses!
  
• Doesn't anybody in this city wear a bike helmet? And since when is it wise to ride down the middle of the street, without a helmet, in the downtown area of a major metropolis?
• Big city energy = fantastic
• Look! There are lots of veggie choices on the menu!
• If only I was rich (or at least upper middle class), so that I could live on Elwreth's Alley, the nation's oldest residential street.

• So this is what it's like to have close friends within 500 miles . . . .
• After watching "John Adams" and developing a new kind of patriotism, I'm seriously stoked to be in the birthplace of our country.

Outside Independence Hall right before a storm

The place where it all happened (or at least where a lot of it happened)

• Perhaps the headline below sums it up best.

Pittsburgh (Wednesday through Saturday)

• Damn, they love their Dunkin' Donuts here, too.
• Unlike Philly, they apparently also love their cigarettes.
  
• IKEA! (There's one in Philly, also, but the one in Pittsburgh happens to be less than a mile from our hotel.) I must immediately move into the "our home" section of the store. I go there twice in four days.
• I quite enjoy my Pittsburgh treats, including chocolate and caramel popcorn (deelish) and a mocha from a cozy little coffee/tea shop on 21st street.

• As someone with a grandmother from the SW Pennsylvania area, there's something comforting and familiar about "Yunz gonna warsh yer hands."
• We go to a vegan/vegetarian restaurant called the Zenith. Actually, it's a restaurant/antique store combination. The food was good, and I must admit that I have never seen a restaurant quite like this.

• While at the Zenith, seated a few tables away is a guy that I swear is Anthony Rapp (of "Rent" fame). I say to myself, "It can't be him. What the hell would Anthony Rapp be doing in Pittsburgh?" Later that night, I open up the local paper. Turns out that Anthony Rapp is in town doing a one-man show.
• We go to the nearby theater to see "Burn After Reading." We sit down on the green pleather seats, and I look for the familiar place on the armrest for my newly purchased beverage. There are no cupholders in the entire movie theater. What the fuck?
• As to Pittsburgh housing, I have to agree with my friend Lena who said, "The 70s called and they want their houses back."
  
• You have to admit, it's a pretty view.

The verdict? Philly all the way, baby. Love the rowhouses, love the energy, love the history, love the fact that it's near some of our friends and family. We're leaving as soon as one of us can secure a job. I've already found a place where we can get veggie cheesesteaks.

I'm Back. . .

and exhausted. I do have plans to post about my trip, but unfortunately not right now. After a 13-hour day today (f0llowed by a trip to the grocery store with an 11:15 arrival at home tonight) and a 12-hour day tomorrow (including my first class as a TA, which I'm a little nervous about), I should be off to bed. But please stay tuned. . . I definitely have lots to share and will post soon!

Off to PA

Dan and I fly out for Philadelphia tomorrow morning, then head to Pittsburgh before flying back on the 14th. I had planned to make posts magically appear in my absence, but it appears that it is getting late and I am exhausted, so no such luck.

Please don't forget to check in on the other side. (Oh, and as I am a lover of all reasons for celebration, this is just a friendly reminder that Grandparents' Day is Sunday the 7th. If you are fortunate enough to still have grandparents in your life, give them a call!)

This is. . .

my 100th post! Yay!

What's Jenn Been Doing?

• Making lists and making plans in preparation for my week-plus departure to Pennsylvania on Friday

• Loudly singing Live's "I Alone" in the car, which made a surprise appearance on the radio
  

• Working my ass off covering shifts, including 8 hours on Saturday and a shift until 10 tonight. . . did I mention that I am still working my regular office hours?

• Catching up on communications: making phone calls to my mom and my sister, mailing a card to my grandmother, answering e-mails that have sat too long in my inbox, sending a letter to my friend in the Peace Corps

• Wishing I had not neglected to apply sunscreen while at the Botanical Garden's Japanese Festival on Monday

• Tearing my way through the last 150 pages of prep

• Gently battling my cat for butt room on my desk chair as she sits behind me and presses her feet against me
  

• Spending the day visiting a friend and his two small children and wondering how anyone can possibly have the energy to be a parent

• Getting whiny about the persistence of summer, and daydreaming about the first crisp day of fall (and of apple cider, and of Halloween, and of orange leaves, and of sweaters, and. . . )
  

• Making plans for an anniversary trip to Chicago in October and a Christmas trip to Georgia, both of which are part of my plan to use every minute of vacation time available to me
  

• Noticing that, when I'm out with Dan and he's holding my hand, he lifts and tugs it in the tiniest way whenever there is a bumpy spot, or a step, or uneven ground. . . and feeling immeasurable gratitude for such a caring man in my life

• Working hard to keep things in perspective as I feel overwhelmed with work, life decisions, and the inevitable stress that comes with all the things you have to do before you leave for vacation, and all the things that will be waiting for you when you get back. Telling myself to resurrect the itty bitty part of me that is able to say, "Screw it, it's just [a report, a dirty floor, an unwashed shirt, an unanswered e-mail] and the world will not come crashing down if I do not attend to it this instant."

• Taking a moment to sit, alone in the dark, with nothing but the rising and falling of my torso as I breathe in. . . breathe out. Making a note to myself: this is something I should do more often.
  

DNC Watch Party

One amazing, inspiring nominee +

the Democratic National Convention on the big screen +

a room full of hundreds of cheering, chanting people +

a speech filled with things I've waited years for someone to say +

the most racially integrated event I have ever experienced in
one of the most segregated of all U.S. cities =

more than one reason to feel hope, to believe in the power of change, and to be so glad that I didn't miss it.

Migraines

This morning, I got up as scheduled, spent an hour or so at the gym, and got ready for work. I had showered, put on make-up, ironed my clothes, gotten dressed, packed my lunch, and was literally on my way out the door when the all-too-familiar sensation of wavy lines and spotty vision started. I tried to ignore it for ten or fifteen seconds, but I've had enough experience to know that ignoring it never works. I put my lunch back in the fridge, changed into my pajamas, e-mailed my boss, plopped on the couch, and waited for the headache, sour stomach, and light/noise sensitivity to begin.

Migraines have been a part of my life for so many years that I've just come to accept them as a part of it. I've spent a good deal of energy cursing them, stressing about them, and begging them to go away. My migraines have left me in horrible states. When Dan and I were dating, I remember calling him and just bursting into tears as soon as he answered the phone because I was experiencing such an awful state of pain that I didn't know what else to do. I've slept on the bathroom floor because the bathroom was the only room in the house dark enough, and it saved me trips to throw up. I've scrambled to leave work as soon as vision problems started so I could make the drive home in time, only to throw up as soon as I made it through the front door. My migraines have cost me a Christmas party at Dan's work a couple of years ago, a visit with my father-in-law in February, and countless other events and occasions, not to mention the lovely experience I had of a migraine during a 10-hour ride to Georgia in 2006, complete with throwing up in the car (nice, huh?).

In graduate school, I had the panic-inducing experience of a migraine that not only produced the usual symptoms, but also resulted in numbness of my face, lips, and right arm. Feeling the numbness crawl slowly across my body was one of the scariest things I've ever experienced. I was diagnosed with a complicated migraine and informed that I should not take any migraine medications due to an increased risk of stroke when complicated migraines and meds are combined. It was at that point that I knew there would never be a magic pill to fix my migraines, no hope of an instant cure. Each time a migraine came on, I would be left on my own to tackle the beast.

Today's migraine was a relatively gentle one. I had a bad headache, but it wasn't horrible, and I managed not to throw up, which was a relief since I threw up six times in a matter of hours during my last migraine. I was parked in front of the couch all day until about 4:30, alternately sleeping, dozing, and watching TV.

In the past couple of years, my migraines have generally become less frequent and less severe. My family history seems to indicate that the older I get, the less likely I will be to experience them (it's nice to have something to look forward to as I age). :) I have to admit, though, that there is a little piece of me that is grateful to them. I usually get migraines when I am stressed, when I am not taking good enough care of myself, when I am not sleeping enough or eating right. I think, more than anything else, my migraines are my body's way of demanding me to STOP. Often, when I have a migraine, I can do little more than just be. I can't read, because I can't see well, and I often can't watch TV, because the light and noise are too much. Getting off the couch or out of bed is usually an insurmountable task. I'm forced to just stop and be with myself. That is not something I do often enough.

I can't say that I'm glad to have migraines, because there are many times when they are truly awful. But today, a little part of me was grateful for the opportunity to just be, and to do so guilt-free. When my stomach was ready, I ate a few snacks. I sat with my cats. I slept. I watched "The Price is Right" (which makes me think fondly of my grandparents) and spent most of the afternoon watching "Anne of Avonlea," one of those movies that kind of brings me back to myself. Despite the pain and the sensitive stomach, it was a good day. A day that I couldn't seem to make for myself, so my body made it for me. And, for that, I can't help but give a little bit of thanks.

Accomplished Today

Absolutely nothing.

Ahhh.

What Is Beautiful?

The sky. Every hour of the day it's different. It's fluid, graceful, elegant. Any time you look at it, it's restorative. And it doesn't demand anything from you. When I look up, I think, Wow, sky. I should do that more often.

--A.M. Homes

Hooray!

I am on my way right now to pick up Ashley from the airport, after which time much eating and laughing and window shopping and Olympics viewing and sightseeing and general good times will ensue. I can hardly wait!