Gratitude

When you're unemployed in this economy, it's easy to feel depressed, anxious, and cynical. I've certainly had more than my fair share of those feelings over the last few weeks. I'm slowly watching my bank account dwindle, and the bad news seems to be everywhere. Almost weekly, someone I know is laid off. And the media? Forget it. Doom and gloom all over (which, by the way, is really starting to annoy me. I know they need to tell us what's going on, but constantly scaring the shit out of people over and over again is not going to help restore confidence and spending).

It sounds cheesy, I know, but I really have been trying to deal with these feelings by encouraging a change in perspective. Seeing the glass half full. Yes, I will soon be dipping into my emergency savings, which makes me unhappy, until I remind myself that times like these are the whole purpose of my emergency savings. Yes, I would like to be working, but I remind myself that this is also the longest I've ever gone without working since I was 16 years old--and that it may, in fact, be a well-deserved break. Yes, I miss going out to restaurants and hate that I don't have the money to take advantage of all the wonderful things Philadelphia has to offer. But I'm also eating more healthfully at home and doing some of my favorite things like curling up with a book from the library.

I have my days where I just let myself feel anxious (ignoring it never seems to work for me). But today is definitely a gratitude day. And here are just a few of the little things that I am grateful for today.

• Coffee. Mmm. Coffee.

• hoops & yoyo. Oh, how I love hoops & yoyo. They make me laugh every time. Last year, I was at a Hallmark store buying cards and found this little snowglobe. It has hoops holding an umbrella with lots of floating, glittery sparkles, and it says "happy thoughts turn sprinkes to sparkles." I kept it on my desk at work for times when I was feeling stressed, and it sits on my desk at home now.

• My salad spinner. One of my favorite wedding gifts (thanks, Seester!).

• A washer and dryer in the basement of my building. Beats the laudromat any day.

• My new step, which I got on sale at Target. Right now, I can't make the financial commitment to a gym (though I desperately miss it), so I bought this recently to give me more cardio options at home. It came with two DVDs and is actually proving to be a very nice workout. It also has an added bonus of being a great tool for some of my weight training!

• Kale. Oh, kale. I'm always working on eating my dark, leafy greens several times a week, but I've only recently discovered the deliciousness of sauteed kale. I actually get cravings for it.
  

• The wall of books in my office. I've always wanted one.

• Scrabble. I enjoy playing the board game, but I also love the computer version that I have, which was a gift from my mother-in-law a few years ago.
  

• TV on DVD. This is a glorious thing for those of us without cable, though it also gives me a chance to jump on the bandwagon of network shows. I got started with "Grey's" thanks to TV on DVD, and am now a regular viewer. I'm now working on Season 1 of "Brothers and Sisters" (which I love so far) and expect that this will be a new show of mine. And I am finally getting a chance to see "Project Runway" (Season 1 is in my Netflix queue).

• My photo albums. I am pretty meticulous about getting photos I love printed and in albums. Flipping through them reminds me of what a rich and wonderful life I have--and how many wonderful people are in it.
  

• The anticipation of my sister's visit in April! Hooray!

• A weekend with no plans and no obligations. The weather's nice and sunny (though still chilly), so Dan and I will probably take a walk. We'll probably curl up with our books and a cup of coffee for most of the day. I can hardly think of anything better than that.
  

Sigh

So I managed to keep up the regular posting for a while, then let it fall to the wayside. I've thought about blogging, but I just can't seem to get around to it lately, for a multitude of reasons.

First, the job search means I spend a good deal of time on the computer doing Internet research, writing cover letters, tweaking my resume, etc. I hate, hate, hate spending hours and hours in front of a computer screen. Lately, by the time I am done with my job search tasks for the day, I can hardly stand to be in my office anymore. (Now is a time in my life when having a laptop would be very good.)

Then there's Facebook. Though I've gotten over the initial Facebook overload, I still spend a decent amount of time there. My disdain for too much face time with the computer means that, with the increased time in front of the screen catching up with folks via social networking, something else had to go.

Though I think about doing posts, lately I feel like I don't have much to say. My days feel insanely monotonous as I spend most of my time holed up in my apartment taking care of things around the house and working on the job search. I probably need to get out more, but it's too damn cold to enjoy the free things in life (e.g., walks around the neighborhood or trips to the park) and I can't afford much else until I'm gainfully employed. Dan and I did make it to a Drexel basketball game this weekend (we had comp tickets) and had a chance to try the Chinese place around the corner from us (which, I'm happy to say, is quite good and even offers mock chicken in their vegetarian recipes--for once, there are more options that tofu!).

Finally--and this is probably the biggest culprit--I'm experiencing a bit of general malaise. There is a small part of me that worries I'm starting on the fringes of another phase of job search depression (and I do not mean depression as a temporary state of mind, but more of the clinical definition of the word). There's no real reason for me to be depressed--I've found a surprising number of leads, the number of social service organizations in Philly is astounding, and it's still too early in the job search for me to be feeling the pangs of rejection. Maybe it's just the anticipation of rejection, or the anxiety that I will once again be unemployed or underemployed for months. I'm starting to worry more about money, too, and financial insecurity sends me into a state of anxiety and guilt like nothing else. I'm still plugging away, but I'm finding it harder to get motivated. This worries me a little, and my lack of motivation sometimes spills over into other things.

Not that things are all bad. I have good days and bad days. Today just happens to be a bad day, so chances are good that I'll be perfectly fine tomorrow. I feel better knowing that I at least can recognize what's going on and try to do things that I know will be good for me. I'm going to get back to my regular exercise routine (it all kind of fell apart with the move), so that should help a lot. And I'm going to really focus on taking care of myself, which will mean giving myself what I need, when I need it. Which means I might not be blogging as often, so please have patience with me and keep checking back. I do promise some activity here and there!

Coraline

I don't make it to the movie theater very often. To me, most things are worth waiting to see at home, especially since I have Netflix and just can't justify the extra expense of an $8 ticket. Every once in a while, though, I make my way to the theater: if there is something I just can't wait to see, if I'm just looking for something fun to do, or if I think it's worth paying to see a movie on the big screen to get the full experience. Dan and I are really pinching pennies right now until I find a job, but "Coraline"--in 3-D--was one of those movies that we felt had to be seen in the theater. So we sucked it up and paid $12 each for the tickets. And it was totally worth it.

I'm not a movie critic, and you can read many fine reviews of the film without my input, so this is just my plug to say that, if you have any inkling to see this movie, go. If you can, definitely pay the extra to see it in 3-D. Visually, this movie is simply stunning, and there's no way that you could fully experience all the fantastic things about it from your TV screen at home. I absolutely loved it, and though it won't be the same watching it on my 19" screen, I will probably buy it on DVD when it comes out and keep it right next to my copy of "The Nightmare Before Christmas." It's definitely one of my new favorites.

Philly: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Transitions are never easy for me. Moving is a prime example. Given the number of times I have moved in my life, I adjust pretty well overall, but I am prone to frequent breakdowns, particularly in the first few weeks in a new place.

Though I've been excited for months about moving here, I've also been nervous. I come from a town of less than 3,000 and a county of less than 30,000, and though I've lived in a few mid-sized cities, I now live in the sixth most populous city in the US. Close to six million people, in fact. I love city life, but it has been a slow adjustment over the years for little old me from a little town in Georgia to get used to big places and so many people.

About a week after we got here, I totally had a meltdown. Our apartment was still in a state of complete and total chaos, and anyone who knows me knows that I absolutely need order, so this was not good for me. We had no idea how to get anywhere, and even the simplest tasks--like getting a gallon of milk--seemed so difficult and complicated. Our GPS led us astray more than once, but with no Internet and no phone book, we were forced to rely upon it. My frustration, exhaustion, and feelings of being completely overwhelmed peaked on our way back from New Jersey when we accidentally drove through the E-Z Pass lane on the toll bridge and then got lost on the way home. I decided we never should have moved here and had an all-out sobfest, followed by a completely unfair game of blaming Dan for talking me into coming here (which, in fact, he did not). I was sure that it would never feel like home here, and I just wanted to leave.

But, as always happens, it's gotten easier. Later that week, Dan and I finally had a chance to venture out in the daylight (Dan always got home from work after dark, so we didn't really have a chance to explore during daytime hours until we finally had a weekend). We visited the local library and got pizza from a place around the corner. We found a local market less than a mile away that sells local, organic eggs and milk--two things I always had trouble tracking down anywhere near my home in St. Louis. And, believe it or not, one of the biggest comforts for me was finally figuring out where to drop off our recycling and pick up our recycling bin! Something about that made me feel like maybe it could feel like home here. . . a little silly, I know, but I was blissfully happy to have that bin.

Life is finally starting to feel normal here, and our apartment finally feels like home. It will take me forever to figure this city out and learn my way around, but I can now comfortably make my way to lots of places without any nerves, and Dan and I are slowly making our way out to explore (this will be easier when it finally warms up!).

Here's what I've already learned to love--and what I don't love so much--about this new place I call home.

The Good

• I still can't get over my excitement at living in a place with so much history. I can't wait to make my way back to Old City and take it in all over again.

• We actually know people around here! Dan and I have had an opportunity to catch up with several old friends and many of Dan's family members. This is a huge contrast to our experience in the Midwest.

• Philly pretzels. I have hardly ever seen Dan so happy as when he finally had a chance to take a bite of a true Philly soft pretzel, spicy mustard and all. We were even lucky enough to arrive just as they were cooking up a fresh batch!
  

• Philadelphia is, without a doubt, a city of neighborhoods. I love that sense of community and learning about the character of each new place (though, on the down side, I wonder how long I will it will be before I'm considered a true Philadelphian--probably 40 years! At least Dan was born here, and his family is from here, so we get a little more cred).

• NYC and DC are only a short trian ride away!

• There seems to be an abundance of vegetarian food here. We've already started a list of places we are waiting to try; again, a nice contrast to other places I've lived, where I've been lucky if I can track down more than two places that specialize in vegetarian fare (and forget finding a place that's vegan). We had our first veggie cheesesteaks a couple of weeks ago--mmmm!

• The snow. We've already had enough of it that I can understand why folks tire of it, but to me, it's still so exciting and beautiful.

• IKEA! I'm sorry, I still can't get over it.
  

• There is just so much here! Restaurants, theater, museums, music, activities. . . we'll never see or explore it all. It's nice to know there will always be an abundance of new things out there to try.

The Bad

• Toll roads. We haven't encountered many of them, and we certainly don't have to drive on any regularly, but I still have not gotten accustomed to having to pay just to use a street.

• The taxes. I'm sure they're no different than any other major city, but still, it hurts.
  

• The traffic. This is the only thing that has always made me hesitant about living in or visiting big cities. I still avoid driving around rush hour. Luckily, there is decent public transportation here. Dan is able to take the train to work every day, and I'm hoping I'll be able to do the same when I finally have a job!

• The sports mania. I don't mind so much that people care about sports (even though I'm not a huge fan myself), but I don't know if I'll ever get used to how unforgiving people can be. Is it really necessary to boo and throw things? Really?

• Getting my driver's license and car tags was a bit of an odyssey. I'll spare you the stories, but let me just say that a) you have to present a certified birth certificate with a raised seal just to get a driver's license, b) you can't get your license and tags at the same place, and it's nearly impossible to figure out where you're supposed to go and c) the Department of Transportation's website is confusing and completely unhelpful.
  

The Ugly

• The state has a ridiculous grip on alcohol around here. You have to buy all of your wine and liquor at state-operated stores. Many restaurants here are BYOB because it's too expensive or troublesome to get a liquor license. This is all annoying, but here is the real killer. . . you cannot buy beer at the state-operated stores. You also cannot buy it at grocery stores, gas stations or any other normal place. Your only options are to a) buy a full case of beer at a beer distribution store or b) buy your beer from a bar. Yep, you have to actually go to a damn bar if you want a six-pack of beer and buy it from a cooler in the back. This is probably not such a big deal if you know where to go, but I don't just want to walk into a random bar without knowing anything about their selections. . . what if all they have to offer is Miller Lite? Plus, if the bars are smart, I'm sure the beer is ridiculously expensive. Good thing I love wine.
  

All in all, though, things are going well. When Dan and I moved, we tried to pick a place where we hoped we could stay long-term. Of course, you never know where life will take you, but despite the drama of the first few weeks, I'm starting to think that building a life here will work out just fine (and a little less beer is probably good for me).

Seester's Wedding

Though everything seemed to come together so nicely for our move, the weeks surrounding it were nothing short of crazy. We packed up our stuff, went home to Georgia for Christmas for a few days, met the movers the day after we got back from our trip, slept on an air mattress, drove halfway across the country, arrived in Philly on a Friday, Dan started work the following Monday, and my sister's wedding in Tennessee was only four days later. By the time I was ready to leave town for the main event, I was afraid I might spend my entire time in Tennessee asleep, dead to the world and completely missing it all.

Luckily, I did not sleep through it all, and though I was definitely tired, it turned out to be the perfect break. There was nothing obligatory to do, nothing to unpack, and hardly any errands to run. My sister's wedding weekend was perfect for her and (her now husband) Garrett--they rented a huge cabin in the mountains, invited 20 or so family and close friends to stay for a few days, and had a simple, beautiful ceremony right there in front of the fireplace surrounded by people they love.

Getting to the wedding destination was a bit challenging. I caught a cab at 6:15 in the morning to get me to the airport in Philly, took a flight to Charlotte, and from there, I took a rickety little plane to Asheville. Due to clouds and fog, the turbulence was truly awful; it was, by far, the rockiest flight I've ever experienced. As if my motion sickness weren't already nicely settled in by the time I landed, my parents picked me up at the airport and we made the two-hour drive from Asheville to our destination. Mountains are beautiful unless you are motion sick and have to ride in the backseat of a car for two hours. Actually, make that three, as my stepdad's GPS led him astray (thank you, Garmin). By the time we arrived at our destination, I was shocked I still had lunch in my stomach.

The lodge (you can see it here) was the perfect little place for us all to get together. We read, played board games, talked, slept, played pool and air hockey, and ate an obscene amount of food. Some folks went hiking, relaxed in the hot tub, and checked out nearby Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg. Garrett's boss, who owns a farm, gave him two huge coolers filled with breakfast meats and 30 dozen eggs as a wedding gift, so there was never a shortage of breakfast (or jokes about the surplus eggs). A Krispy Kreme was just a couple of miles away, and naturally Dan and I couldn't resist bringing donuts back for everyone. Our families had a chance to get to know one another; in fact, my grandmother and Garrett's grandmother even exchanged addresses, which was such a sweet moment to witness. On the last night, we all ventured out for an evening of miniature golf, then played "the paper game" (kind of like telephone) until we laughed so hard we could barely breathe.

The highlight, of course, was the wedding itself. It was just as a wedding should be, where everyone chips in to help and where all that really matters is that everyone is together and the bride and groom are married at the end. :) A friend of the bride and groom, who works for a florist, took care of the flowers and took the photos. Other friends, who are ministers, officiated the ceremony. My mom made the cake, which is one of my sister's (and Dan's!) favorites. Garrett and his mom made breakfast for everyone the morning of the wedding. A friend helped out with heating and serving the catered food. Missy and Garrett handmade their invitations. I was in charge of decorations, which were entirely recycled: candles left over from my wedding, some of which were placed in about 20 recycled jars on the fireplace mantel, and white lights that my mom already owned. I helped my sister create a wish tree that served in place of a guest book. My mom and aunt put everything together on the big day. There was something very special about the team effort that went into creating such a lovely event.

My sister was just radiant. . . so beautiful and glowing, I could just cry. I love the beautiful dress she picked out, and the fact that she paired it with no shoes!

And, most importantly, the ceremony was lovely. Simple and beautiful, and so "them." Missy and Garrett were married in front of the fireplace, surrounded by the glow of candlelight and the soft white glow of Christmas lights. The simplicity of it was perfect, and so beautifully romantic.

After the ceremony, we had delicious catered food (including some killer spinach lasagna) and dove into mom's cake, which was wonderfully familiar and tasty. It's actually an ice cream cake that my mom has made for years, and an ice cream cake is exactly what Missy wanted! I love the topper that my mom picked out. . . so sweet.

To me, every wedding is special and beautiful. . . no matter how different they are, no matter how simple or decadent, I always feel honored to witness people I love joining their lives together. This wedding, in particular, was all about that. Two people, happy in love, committed to each other and surrounded by family and friends. Nothing more, nothing less. Exactly as it should be.

Congratulations, Seester! I love you!

Good Thing: Better World Books

It's been a while since I've posted about a good thing, so it's time for another. Better World Books is an online bookstore that uses profits to fund literacy initiatives around the world. In addition to selling new books, they partner with universities and libraries to collect used and unwanted books, selling them to raise funds or donating them to literacy projects while keeping books out of landfills. And if they don't find a home for a book, they recycle it.

They have a surprisingly good selection of new and used books (over two million titles) with free shipping on all orders shipped in the U.S., and they purchase carbon credits to offset the environmental impact of all the books they ship.

Please join me in saying goodbye to your other online book sellers and check this one out!

The Apartment

I like our apartment, which was a relief since the first time I had a chance to see it in person was the day we moved in. We had some challenges figuring out where to put everything (we ended up having to store Dan's bike off-site), but we've finally found a home for all of our stuff. A few notable things about our place:

• There is a washer and dryer in the basement. This means that, for the first time in three plus years, I do not have to go to the Laundromat. Score!

• Our bathroom is yellow. Not happy yellow; late 70s mustard yellow. Actually, it is really three slightly different colors of yellow. The tub and sink are one color, the toilet is another, and the tile on the walls is yet another. It ain't pretty, but we've managed to make it work.

• We are on the top floor, so we have no one above us, and the people down below us are blissfully quiet, except we sometimes hear them having sex. Luckily, they are a cute couple (I'm sorry, but I would be lying if I said it wouldn't make a difference if they were old or ugly), and it is not freakish, scary sex--just normal sex. Hearing them actually isn't so bad because, given my competitive nature, I do not want to be outsexed and usually decide it is important that I have sex, too. Not such a bad thing, I think. :)
  

• The neighbors across the hall from us, on the other hand, are slightly nightmarish. They have two small children--an infant and a toddler--who scream and cry constantly. It is not normal crying and screaming; it is demonic, endless screaming and crying. The kids are up at all hours of the night, and their parents don't seem to think it's important to put them on any type of schedule. Even better, their parents sometimes yell and curse at them and they smoke in the apartment; a nice cloud of stale cigarette smoke emerges from their door every time they open it. Great parents. Really.
  

• Oh, and above parents also have decided that the only place to store their unwanted crap is in the hallway. Love it. We haven't decided yet how to handle this, as they seem like the type of people who could make our lives miserable if we make an issue of it.
  

• We have off-street parking, which has been a godsend. The streets here are narrow, hilly, and usually crowded with cars. Worst possible scenario for this not-so-hot parallel parker.

• There is single-stream recycling here. No more sorting my paper from my cardboard from my glass from my plastic--yay!

• There are a good number of restaurants within walking distance of our place, and there is a Dunkin' Donuts right down the street (which could be very dangerous). I was excited to learn that there was a Mexican restaurant closeby; unfortunately, it is not real Mexican food and is definitely no Mi Ranchito. I hear, however, that they have great margaritas, so I will likely be giving those a try. The library, also within walking distance, is in a lovely old building, and there's a post office just around the corner. And, of course, the train station half a block away is truly awesome. All in all, the neighborhood gets a thumbs up.
  

It has taken a while, but our apartment is finally starting to feel like home. I really needed a place where I felt like I could get away from everything, so we've put a lot of effort into getting everything unpacked, getting pictures hung, etc. Luckily, since I've been sans job, I've been able to get a lot done, and it now feels like a cozy, happy place. Well, except for our neighbors, but I guess you can't have it all.

It's past 3 AM. . .

and I'm sitting in front of my computer instead of sleeping in my bed.

This is what joining Facebook has done to me.