Crossroads

For the last few years, my life has been so full and blessed that at times I'm overwhelmed with gratitude. Sometimes I can't believe that I have so many tremendous things in my life all at once: an amazing partner, incredible friends, two kitties who make me laugh every day. A loving and supportive family. A warm, caring church community. Books and music and art and nature. I could go on and on about all of the little miracles in my life.

Despite all of this, one area of my life has been slowly nagging away at me, and that is my work life. I keep finding myself in jobs that aren't the right fit for me, cause me tremendous stress, aren't aligned with my values, and just never work out the way I hoped. All jobs have their ups and downs, but for me, it's been more than that. . . I just can't seem to make things fit. I keep ending up in toxic environments, in jobs that force me to be someone I'm not, in jobs that seem to be headed nowhere. While I have always been an ambitious person--and have generally succeeded at most things I've tried professionally--I find that I have little ambition, or that my efforts to advance to more meaningful opportunities never pan out. I've felt overworked, undervalued, and underutilized, and on top of all that, I don't really enjoy what I do.

For the last year or so, it's occurred to me that perhaps I am at a crossroads--a big one. I accepted my current position with enthusiasm, but after I started, I realized almost immediately that it wasn't right for me. Since then, I've been trying to figure out where else I'd like to be. . . and the answers have never been clear. I look at job postings, research organizations, think about career options in the social work field, but I've never really come up with the one thing that seems to fit. Perhaps I'm just discouraged or burned out, but when I started in this profession, I had so much optimism and passion. I'm finding myself getting cynical and tired. That is not a good place for anyone to be, and it is especially not a good place for a social worker to be.

This has, quite naturally, led me into a bit of a crisis. For starters, I've invested a lot of time--and money--in my career. I care deeply about social justice and helping people. Having work that makes a difference in people's lives is paramount to me. Social workers are some of the most inspiring, amazing people that I know, and I consider myself lucky to call them my colleagues.

And yet, despite all of these things, I can't seem to find the place in social work that feels like the right one. I've been trying on its hats for many years and have never found the one that fits. I'm starting to wonder if I will ever find the right one. Even more, I'm starting to wonder if maybe this career is not for me. It's taken a really long time--and a lot of courage--for me to admit that.

After pushing past my denial and justifications and finally admitting this to myself, I find now that I'm at a bit of a crossroads. For the past few months, it's been clear to me what I need to leave behind, but I've been unsure how to move forward, or where to go next. Perhaps there are other avenues in my career that I have yet to explore, or perhaps it's time to look in a different direction altogether.

I've been thinking about this a lot in recent weeks, and though I think I'm getting closer to the answer, I'm not quite ready to share it openly yet. I'm sure I'll be processing a lot of my journey here from time to time in the coming weeks and months. I hope you'll stick around to share it with me. . . and stay tuned to see where the road may take me next.

Embracing My Inner Country Girl

Earlier this month, I had the pleasure of traveling to North Carolina to visit my sister. I was looking forward to not only spending time with family, but also visiting the fine city of Asheville, home to all things liberal and earthy and generally granola. I savored all the vegan and vegetarian food options, the abundance of local art, and the general hippie vibe. What I did not expect--at all--was how much I would enjoy my time tucked away in the middle of nowhere.

Granted, I was hesitant at first. The house where my sister and Garrett live (they are renters and the house is owned by a friend) is tucked away at the end of a gravel road, surrounded by neighbors who have their share of scary moments (sounds of shotguns, anyone?). When we were first driving there, I called my sister to make sure we were going the right way after we passed a falling-down barn and ventured down a road that seemed to lead to nowhere. It was a bit of a transition, to say the least, from Philadelphia to gravel roads.

I have always loved the mountains; I will take them over the beach almost any day. Still, after giving myself some time to settle in, I was surprised by how much I really felt at home in my sister's little house tucked away among the trees. Yes, we had to drive 20 minutes to get a cup of coffee. And yes, in the winter my sister and her husband might sometimes have to walk from the main road to their house because there is no plowing of their gravel road. Nonetheless, I felt so peaceful and at home there. The cabin is so charming, having been lovingly restored by Missy and Garrett's friend Heather, who owns the house. So much about it encourages you to enjoy the simple pleasures of life, like the sounds of crickets with the windows open at night.


During our visit, we did so many simple, lovely things. We sat on the porch and talked. We swung on the hammock. We ate fresh vegetables Garrett grew on the farm where he works. We ate watermelon outside, the juice dripping down our arms as we spit the seeds into the yard.


We did our fair share of outdoor activities, too, including tubing down the Green River and taking turns shooting targets with a BB gun. On the last day of my visit, my sister and I went hiking (in the rain, no less!) up to Sam Nob.


On one of our last days there, I woke and looked out the window to see the sun coming up behind the mountains. I moved out onto the porch, sitting in the stillness of the morning, just trying to take it all in. In the last couple of years, I've been having a bit of naturelust, though I haven't always done a good job doing much about it. I've gone on a few hikes, have been trying to spend more time outside, and made a point to visit Yosemite and the redwoods during my California travels, but my trip reminded me just how much a part of me is longing to be more connected to the great outdoors.

I've never thought of myself as a country girl--or even an outdoorsy one at that. I have never been athletic. I don't do hot weather. I don't like when my hair frizzes in the rain. I've never owned a single piece of outdoor gear. I am scared of a wide variety of critters. It occurs to me, though, that perhaps I haven't given myself enough credit. Maybe it's time to embrace another side of myself. Maybe I should listen more to the voice that's telling me to take to the hills. Maybe I'm the girl who climbs mountains after all.

Tilth

As many of you already know, my friend Sally rocks. As it happens, she has taken her awesomeness to even greater heights by converting her tremendous talents into a bonafide business.

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Check out her (gorgeous!) new website here. If you know of anyone with food restrictions who could benefit from her services, regardless of where they live, please send them to Sally's site!

A Note of Praise for My Sister

Should you have somehow missed this piece of information, let me make it very clear that I love my sister. I mean, love her. Our relationship is a delightful mix of best friend, soul mate, and sister. There's also a pinch of mother-daughter, as in, there are times when I couldn't be prouder of her if I was her mama. (And also as in, if you mess with her I will make sure it is the end of you, but luckily this post will focus on the I'm-so-proud side.)

A couple weeks ago, Dan and I traveled to Asheville to celebrate Seester's graduation from her veterinary technician program. This was a grand accomplishment on many counts. For starters, during her two years in the program, she managed to work full-time, volunteer, plan a wedding, and still graduate. This, in itself, is an amazing feat. I have never witnessed anyone with a busier schedule than that of my sister during her two years in school. Every time I called her, it became a game of, "Where's Missy?," as there was never telling where she might be. And yet, despite all of this, she still came out with the highest GPA in her class and was accepted into one of the most prestigious vet tech internships in the country (yes, that's right, here's the bragging mom coming out).

For these things only, abundant applause is due. But perhaps even more applause-worthy is the journey she has embarked upon. My sister has always been an animal lover in the truest form. My entire family always thought she would work with animals, but as happens sometimes to all of us, she ran into bumps in the road that made her doubt herself. Slowly, but surely, she found the courage to drown out the noise, listen to herself, and make her way back to what she really wanted. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to do of all, and yet she put one foot in front of the other, never looking back.

And now? She is more confident in her work than I have ever seen her. She approaches her work with such passion and humor and integrity. She's an unbelievable advocate for animals. Everything she does, from drawing blood from a terrified cat to making sure a dog leaves this world with dignity and in peace, is infused with such courage and compassion. When you can patiently deal with an overbearing pet owner, brush a cat's teeth with the utmost care, and endure a nasty dog bite while still having compassion for the dog all in the same day, you are a pretty amazing individual. And my sister is, indeed, just that.

Congratulations to you, Seester, on a job well done, and on all the amazing work you continue to do. You have become such a confident and accomplished woman. I'm so very proud of you!

A Little Something Beautiful

Sorry for the absence of late. My life seems to be a bit in flux right now, and I just haven't felt inspired to post. But today I came across a lovely thought that I wanted to share. It's just a little reminder to me to stop and just breathe.

The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.
~ Galileo Galilei