The Facebook Condundrum

About a month ago, my friend Kim--who is serving in the Peace Corps in South Africa--sent me an invitation to view her Facebook profile. I am, of course, eager to keep in touch and have news of her adventures. The problem is that I do not have a a Facebook account, and I have been reluctant to have one (or anything like it) for years.

I am always a little slow when it comes to communication technology. I thought about putting up a blog long before I was actually ready to do it, and I am very selective about the blogs I read. I do not have a MySpace or Facebook account, or anything similar. I was slow to get e-mail when it first started up, and even slower to get a cell phone. I have no interest in anything that allows me to check my e-mail when I am away from my computer. I still rarely send text messages, and almost always prefer phone calls.

Part of this is my aversion to spending a lot of time on the computer. I enjoy checking e-mail and reading blogs, and I check out a few websites here and there, but I have never been one to sit and browse. When I was a freshman in college, I spent a lot of time on Instant Messenger before I realized that I spent almost as much time chatting on my computer as I did talking to people in real life. I quit using it almost immediately.

Aside from a constant desire to reduce my computer time (and instead get to a book or take a walk outside), some of the new ways of communicating just don't feel as meaningful to me. For years and years, I was an avid letter writer. In addition to my Swedish pen pal, I wrote to my great aunt (who I never met) until the day she died, to an old college professor, and to several friends during their time overseas. In high school and college, my friends and I often exchanged heartfelt letters and cards, or just little notes to say hello. My dad sent me letters almost weekly after I left home for school. I rarely send letters anymore, and it's even rarer that I get a heartfelt card in my mailbox (not that I am always particularly good at sending them, either). Of course, heartfelt e-mails are nice, but there's something to be said for holding a note in your hand, penned by someone you love. A note in Times New Roman or Arial font is not the same as someone's handwriting. E-mails are deleted or practically disappear into folders I never revisit; letters stay tucked away and are lovingly reread anytime I move or clean out my desk or just feel nostalgic. On top of this, I absolutely adore stationery. I have three small drawers full of beautiful cards and paper, and I am constantly resisting the temptation to buy more.

For me, it's all about choices. I have limited time, and I have been growing more conscious in recent years about how I spend it. More and more, I am seeking quality over quantity. True friends instead of just more friends, especially as I see my truest friends less and less as we move away, start new schools or jobs, get married, and have families. Don't get me wrong--e-mail and blogging has been a wonderful way to stay connected with current friends and reconnect with old ones (and even make some brand new ones!). But I miss taking the time to send cards to my friends. I miss the kind of conversations you can only have while sitting down over coffee or a glass of wine. I'd like to make more space in my life for phone calls instead of quick e-mails, more room for heartfelt cards of appreciation for what people mean to me instead of e-cards that only appear on birthdays and holidays. You know, the old stuff. In my mind, the good stuff.

Of course, I know there are great things about Facebook, too, like catching up with people you never otherwise would have reconnected with, as my friend Ash very recently did. On the other hand, I am well aware that it is a notorious time sucker. To reap the benefits of Facebook (including keeping up with Kim!), I will definitely join, and I'm looking forward to having another way to keep up with folks and reconnect with people who could be new true friends in my life. But I don't want to spend too much time there answering friend requests from people I have no real interest in talking to, or obsessively looking up ex-boyfriends or past classmates or coworkers. I will join, but to avoid getting sucked in, I might literally set a timer to make sure I don't spend too much time there. Hopefully that will still leave me some time to call those dear friends I haven't talked to in months, or send my grandmother a letter, or call up a friend here in town for some conversation and hot cocoa. That is the stuff I miss, and if it's quality over quantity, I will take that, please.