Year 32

Truthfully I'm not even sure what's happened to the last three weeks. In my memory everything is just one big blur: birthday celebrations, visits with friends, a job interview and an offer and salary negotiations, walks in the spring sunshine, a Passover Seder and an Easter brunch, looking at houses, a dinner with relatives, phone dates, volunteering at The Philadelphia International Festival of the Arts. . . the list goes on and on.

Thus has begun the first few weeks of my 32nd year. I decided, about a week before my birthday, that this year was going to be the best one yet. Not that I know that to be true, but that I need to believe it to be true--and perhaps believing it is the first step to making it happen. On my 32nd birthday, while walking around the mall with Dan before popping into The Cheesecake Factory for a birthday treat, I got a call. A call with a job offer. Very exciting indeed. After several days going back and forth about salary and start date, of weighing all the pros and cons of an awesome job with a lousy commute, of trying to silence the endless stream of "What ifs?" that are always in my head, of reminding myself that what is familiar is not always best and that I can't plan for every contingency, I took the job. I start May 31. I can't wait to begin this new chapter getting back to work that really means something to me--supporting children with disabilities (in this case, autism) and their families, at an awesome organization, in a move that will help propel my career forward.

I feel as though I've been scrambling up a wall and tumbling back down for months and months, just needing something to happen. Now, finally, I feel like I've made some headway over the top. Things are starting to move in the direction I've been hoping for, making it so much easier to hope for more. Along with the job, there has been other good news. After spending the last few years really wishing for friends nearby, Dan and I both realized this week that we've had so many outings with new friends that we're looking forward to some time to ourselves! Dan got a story accepted for publication in a print journal last week, which is amazing, and his mom, who graduates with her Masters in Library Science on Friday, just landed a job. The weight loss I began last year has turned into maintaining my new weight for the last several months--no easy feat. And who can feel anything but good with this amazing spring weather?

Though there's still lots I'm hoping and waiting for, including finding a house to buy and getting my business launched part-time (both of which are on hold for a bit), I feel like I can finally take a moment to breathe. As much as I've tried to stay focused on the present and be grateful for the endless blessings in my life, I haven't been able to help wanting more and wishing I could get a break. I've spent a lot of time in the last year or so paralyzed by doubt and fear and having moments where I've been convinced that things just couldn't go my way. I feel like, with these new good things, I feel empowered to make more things happen.

On Wednesday, Dan and I leave for Arizona to attend his mother's graduation. Later in the week, we are driving to The Grand Canyon, where we'll stay for two days. I've been told that nothing can prepare you for what you experience at The Grand Canyon when standing on its rim. I can't wait to be there, looking out over something so vast and ancient and unknowable, knowing that I will likely feel just as I felt at Yosemite--that everything is so mysterious and out of my control, and yet, all in its rightful place. As I wait for the next pieces to fall into place over the next year, I feel reassured that even though there is much that is unknown and worrisome, with a little hope and some acts of faith on my part, things will probably unfold as they should. And even if they don't, I can't avoid peering over the edge of that big abyss and risk missing the wonder that might be in store.

I'm hoping that, as I begin the next year, I'll leave behind the doubts and fears that have plagued me and keep moving forward to create a better version of myself and my life. I feel good. And happy. And hopeful. Here's to a great start to my 32nd year!