Wow!

So, my sister calls me last night, in the middle of the season premiere of "Private Practice," and says casually, "Seester, I have something to tell you." I ask her if she would mind if I called her back during the next commercial (what can I say? I love my shows, few as they are). When I call her back, she says, "Seester, I'm getting married!" After congratulations and excitement and questioning of details, I immediately feel sheepish and apologize for putting wedding news on hold for a TV show.

Plans are yet to be determined, but it looks like possibly a December wedding. My little sister is getting married, y'all. I can hardly believe it.

Congratulations, Seester!

Happy World Vegetarian Day!

In addition to being the first day of my favorite month of the year, today also is the kickoff of Vegetarian Awareness Month. My intention here is not to convince everyone that they should follow a vegetarian diet (though for selfish reasons I will admit that a drastic increase in the vegetarian population sure would help expand my menu options at restaurants). :) I realize most people find a vegetarian diet impractical and/or undesirable, and I am not out to guilt trip you (I, for one, am well aware of the benefits and impact of a vegan diet, yet I continue to happily eat my cheese). I do think, however, that today provides a good opportunity to remind people of the benefits of eating less meat, even if one is unable to give it up altogether.

So this is just a friendly reminder, taken from the World Vegetarian Day website, that every meatless meal can help reduce the risk of major health issues including heart disease and cancer, provide a viable answer to feeding the world's hungry, reduce animal suffering, conserve our planet's resources, decrease greenhouse gases, preserve ecosystems, and reduce the pollution caused by animal agriculture.

Again, I'm not suggesting that everyone should give up meat, or that you should feel bad if you don't. If you salivate at the thought of bacon or barbecue ribs, by all means, I would not deny you that pleasure, and I realize that for health reasons some people would find it extremely difficult to get their needed nutrition elsewhere. But maybe, just for this month, you could give up meat once a week? According to the Meatless Monday website, "If every American replaced one chicken meal per week with a vegetarian one, the carbon dioxide savings would be the same as taking more than a half-million cars off U.S. roads." And if you replace that chicken with a delicious pasta dish or a comforting vegetable soup, trust me, you won't miss a thing.

Happy Veg Eating!

In the Light of Morning

On Friday afternoon, I put in my notice at work.

And, no, it's not because Dan or I have found a job in Philadelphia. In fact, as of October 17, I will likely not have a job at all. Scary? A bit. The right thing to do? I think so.

It's a little hard to explain what led up to my notice. For those of you who have been in conversation with me since I started my job in January '07, you know that my work life has been quite a roller coaster. When I started my job last year, going to work felt like a nightmare. I toughed it out, made it through until a company restructure in October, and for the most part, things have been good since that time. I love my customers and most of the staff I supervise, and in many ways my job has been a great match for my skills, strengths, and professional growth. Nonetheless, it has continued to mean long hours, constant crises, a pager clipped to my hip around the clock, and a caseload too big to manage. In other words, it has been to-the-bones exhausting.

I was quite prepared to push through until Dan and I were ready for Philadelphia, but in the last couple of months, things have changed. Little by little, our department seems to be slowly slipping back to our days before the restructure. The responsibilities given to us are overwhelming, and the staff turnover rate is daunting. The management is too overwhelmed to provide the same support they have in the past. I see people in the office who are in tears, and others who look as though they have not slept in days (with the staffing shortages we are experiencing in our homes, many of them probably haven't).

When your job takes the place of your life, it's time to go. When you can't get to the dentist or get your cats to the vet because every appointment has to be rescheduled due to some work crisis, it's time to go. When your job interferes with your mental health, your physical health, your sleep, your marriage, and your sense of self, it's time to go. After calling Dan in tears nearly every day of the week for the last two weeks, and after being presented at work on Friday with yet more responsibilities that would take my 50+ hours per week job to 60+ hours per week--with not a lot of pay and likely more responsibilities on the way--it was time to go. I typed up my notice at my desk, respectfully gave it to my boss, and took a leap into the unknown.

Despite my sensitivity and tendency for high emotions, I am usually quite practical when it comes to making decisions. In many ways, quitting a job right now is a crazy thing to do. I am keenly aware of the state of the economy, of the impracticalities of being unemployed, of the importance of a steady paycheck. My last job search was horrible, resulting in seven months of underemployment, constant financial worries, and a feeling of being so small in this world that I was sure no one would ever take note of me again. Choosing between that and and the hell of my job left me with no practical choice at all. I was so overwhelmed with feeling trapped between two evils that I literally begged the universe for a sign. On Friday, I feel like I got one, and I finally put practicalities aside in the interest of taking care of myself.

Though it's never a comfortable feeling to dip into your savings, the reality is that Dan and I will be fine financially if I do not find work for a while. Nonetheless, I will admit that the possibility of being unemployed while needing to pay for moving expenses and prepare for a higher cost of living makes me more than a little uneasy. The thought of another job search after the terrifying experience of my last one is almost enough to make me crawl under my sheets and refuse to come out again. Every once in a while, I can't help but question my decision and wonder if I've made a mistake, despite every assurance from myself and others that it was the right thing to do.

Yesterday morning, on my way to a 12-hour day at work, I stopped for a cup of coffee, one of those little things I have done for myself now and then to help me get through the day. Outside the shop, a man asked me for change. Resorting to my habitual response of "Sorry" and a guilty smile, I moved along. I then proceeded to tell myself the usual justifications many of us tell ourselves for not giving over a handful of coins: I can't give money to everyone. He'll probably just use it for drugs. I give lots of money to charity. I'm going to have to stop giving money away now that I won't have a job and focus on taking care of myself. Almost instantly, I rethought my decision. I went back, found the man, and handed over some bills. "I'm going to get me some coffee," he said. That little thing to help him get through the day.

I have no idea what will happen next for me. I am not a person comfortable with uncertainty. Maybe I will find a job soon, maybe I won't. Maybe this will turn out to be a big mistake. Nonetheless, I'm going to try to push aside the voices of doubt, remind myself that this was the right thing to do, and say a little prayer that this job search will not be a repeat of my last one. As I walked away from the man outside the coffee shop, he said, "God bless you." I'm not sure that I believe God will bless you just because someone wishes it. Still, as I walked with my steaming cup of coffee in the crisp fall air and soft light of morning, I felt perfectly at peace as I thought to myself, "Maybe God will."

In My Hot Little Hands

Despite the fact that I saw this movie three times in the theater (twice by myself and once with Ashley), and despite the fact that the DVD will likely be in stores for many years to come, I felt a pressing need to get it today. In fact, I decided to get it at Target on my way to work this morning, along with toilet paper and kitty litter and printer paper. Though I would love nothing more than to watch it immediately (what better way to zone out after a 12-hour day?), I'm holding off until Saturday when my friend Sara and I will enjoy it with snacks and cosmopolitans (of the virgin variety, since she is pregnant). And to think, I also get to look forward to the premiere of "Grey's" on Thursday. . . woohoo!

Renewal in Fall

When Dan and I stepped off the plane from our trip to Pennsylvania, the rain was pouring here in St. Louis. The remnants of Ike had made their way to Missouri, and the heavy rains had left streets flooded. The dreary weather definitely added to our general malaise upon the end of our vacation. The sheets of rain and gloomy skies only increased my desire to take a long nap and pretend that I did not have to return to real life (happy as I was to see my kitties again).

Later that afternoon, the rain moved on, and I noticed the most exhilarating thing: there was a hint of. . . dare I say. . . cool air. It was a refreshing, crisp, clear air, so unlike the heavy and humid air we had left when we boarded the plane to PA. I went to the grocery store, and the peaches and watermelons had been replaced with apples and cider and miniature pumpkins. I stepped out into the parking lot and the brisk air made me wonder if I should have brought a sweater.

Out of all of my favorite things, there are few that I love more than fall. For me, nothing is more comforting and satisfying than a trip to our local farm to pick pumpkins and apples followed by an evening at home with a cozy blanket and a steaming cup of cider. While I am learning to appreciate the beauty of each season, I can honestly say that there are many times of the year when my heart just aches for fall. Something about the cool air and the changing leaves renews my spirit in a way that nothing else can.

As Dan and I returned from our trip--a trip designed to help us plan the next phase of our lives--it felt so fitting that the cool, changing winds of fall had made their way here in our absence. It was almost as if the seasons were telling me that now is indeed the time for change. After an exhausting and emotional year, one that has left me with little energy on many days, I'm hoping that the crisp fall air will give me the extra bit of renewal I need to make that change happen. So far, it hasn't disappointed.

City Commentary

A brief summary of my thoughts during our trip to Pennsylvania

Philadelphia (Friday through Tuesday)

• Damn, they love their Dunkin' Donuts here.
• Let's hear it for rowhouses!
  
• Doesn't anybody in this city wear a bike helmet? And since when is it wise to ride down the middle of the street, without a helmet, in the downtown area of a major metropolis?
• Big city energy = fantastic
• Look! There are lots of veggie choices on the menu!
• If only I was rich (or at least upper middle class), so that I could live on Elwreth's Alley, the nation's oldest residential street.

• So this is what it's like to have close friends within 500 miles . . . .
• After watching "John Adams" and developing a new kind of patriotism, I'm seriously stoked to be in the birthplace of our country.

Outside Independence Hall right before a storm

The place where it all happened (or at least where a lot of it happened)

• Perhaps the headline below sums it up best.

Pittsburgh (Wednesday through Saturday)

• Damn, they love their Dunkin' Donuts here, too.
• Unlike Philly, they apparently also love their cigarettes.
  
• IKEA! (There's one in Philly, also, but the one in Pittsburgh happens to be less than a mile from our hotel.) I must immediately move into the "our home" section of the store. I go there twice in four days.
• I quite enjoy my Pittsburgh treats, including chocolate and caramel popcorn (deelish) and a mocha from a cozy little coffee/tea shop on 21st street.

• As someone with a grandmother from the SW Pennsylvania area, there's something comforting and familiar about "Yunz gonna warsh yer hands."
• We go to a vegan/vegetarian restaurant called the Zenith. Actually, it's a restaurant/antique store combination. The food was good, and I must admit that I have never seen a restaurant quite like this.

• While at the Zenith, seated a few tables away is a guy that I swear is Anthony Rapp (of "Rent" fame). I say to myself, "It can't be him. What the hell would Anthony Rapp be doing in Pittsburgh?" Later that night, I open up the local paper. Turns out that Anthony Rapp is in town doing a one-man show.
• We go to the nearby theater to see "Burn After Reading." We sit down on the green pleather seats, and I look for the familiar place on the armrest for my newly purchased beverage. There are no cupholders in the entire movie theater. What the fuck?
• As to Pittsburgh housing, I have to agree with my friend Lena who said, "The 70s called and they want their houses back."
  
• You have to admit, it's a pretty view.

The verdict? Philly all the way, baby. Love the rowhouses, love the energy, love the history, love the fact that it's near some of our friends and family. We're leaving as soon as one of us can secure a job. I've already found a place where we can get veggie cheesesteaks.

I'm Back. . .

and exhausted. I do have plans to post about my trip, but unfortunately not right now. After a 13-hour day today (f0llowed by a trip to the grocery store with an 11:15 arrival at home tonight) and a 12-hour day tomorrow (including my first class as a TA, which I'm a little nervous about), I should be off to bed. But please stay tuned. . . I definitely have lots to share and will post soon!

Off to PA

Dan and I fly out for Philadelphia tomorrow morning, then head to Pittsburgh before flying back on the 14th. I had planned to make posts magically appear in my absence, but it appears that it is getting late and I am exhausted, so no such luck.

Please don't forget to check in on the other side. (Oh, and as I am a lover of all reasons for celebration, this is just a friendly reminder that Grandparents' Day is Sunday the 7th. If you are fortunate enough to still have grandparents in your life, give them a call!)

This is. . .

my 100th post! Yay!

What's Jenn Been Doing?

• Making lists and making plans in preparation for my week-plus departure to Pennsylvania on Friday

• Loudly singing Live's "I Alone" in the car, which made a surprise appearance on the radio
  

• Working my ass off covering shifts, including 8 hours on Saturday and a shift until 10 tonight. . . did I mention that I am still working my regular office hours?

• Catching up on communications: making phone calls to my mom and my sister, mailing a card to my grandmother, answering e-mails that have sat too long in my inbox, sending a letter to my friend in the Peace Corps

• Wishing I had not neglected to apply sunscreen while at the Botanical Garden's Japanese Festival on Monday

• Tearing my way through the last 150 pages of prep

• Gently battling my cat for butt room on my desk chair as she sits behind me and presses her feet against me
  

• Spending the day visiting a friend and his two small children and wondering how anyone can possibly have the energy to be a parent

• Getting whiny about the persistence of summer, and daydreaming about the first crisp day of fall (and of apple cider, and of Halloween, and of orange leaves, and of sweaters, and. . . )
  

• Making plans for an anniversary trip to Chicago in October and a Christmas trip to Georgia, both of which are part of my plan to use every minute of vacation time available to me
  

• Noticing that, when I'm out with Dan and he's holding my hand, he lifts and tugs it in the tiniest way whenever there is a bumpy spot, or a step, or uneven ground. . . and feeling immeasurable gratitude for such a caring man in my life

• Working hard to keep things in perspective as I feel overwhelmed with work, life decisions, and the inevitable stress that comes with all the things you have to do before you leave for vacation, and all the things that will be waiting for you when you get back. Telling myself to resurrect the itty bitty part of me that is able to say, "Screw it, it's just [a report, a dirty floor, an unwashed shirt, an unanswered e-mail] and the world will not come crashing down if I do not attend to it this instant."

• Taking a moment to sit, alone in the dark, with nothing but the rising and falling of my torso as I breathe in. . . breathe out. Making a note to myself: this is something I should do more often.