Christmas is, without question, my favorite time of year. I am a total sucker for the whole thing: the carols, the movies, the cookies, the parties, the trimming of the tree, the candelight service, the quintessential fireplace and hot chocolate. The usual things that cause people stress--buying gifts, hosting and attending parties, giftwrapping a hundred boxes--are things I have always enjoyed. I usually await Christmas every year with great anticipation; it is such a joyous and peaceful time for me, and has always been a very special day in my family.
In many ways I am so excited about the holidays. I can't wait to go home (I haven't been home since February), and my father-in-law will be joining us for Christmas, which will be a nice treat. Having drawn names, our Christmas stocking exchange has begun, and I am already quite excited and have started brainstorming ideas for my recipient's stocking. My lovely mother has extended a no-pressure invitation to my dad, stepmother, and stepbrother to join us all for Christmas dinner, understanding what a difficult holiday this will be for them, and they are planning to join us. It will be the biggest Christmas dinner of my life, and as a lover of all things holiday, I am really looking forward to it despite the sadness that will be lurking behind it. I can't wait to hug old friends and have a milkshake at The Grill, and to just be in the comfort of my mother's house where I spent so many years. She spends days--full days!--decorating, and it is a veritable Christmas wonderland. I can't wait to be surrounded by the lights and warmth.
But there's also facing the fact that this will be our first Christmas without Adam. That his birthday falls on December 16. That somewhere in the middle of festivities and grieving and reflection I will be packing up my stuff to ship it across the country, driving to Philadelphia in the middle of winter, and moving into a strange new place. Even my beloved Christmas tree with its many ornaments, so precious to me, won't make its way up this year because it just isn't practical considering that it would become one more thing to pack up.
As so, Christmas this year is not just the Christmas that I've always loved; it's Christmas and a million other things. I want to have the space for it all--the space to prepare for the move, to say goodbye to my life in St. Louis, to make a little room for this time I love, and to make sure the holidays don't pass by without remembering Adam. I feel tugged in so many directions, and all I really want to do is drink a cup of hot cocoa under a warm blanket in front of my very own Christmas tree, with no agenda but a peaceful and relaxing holiday and a time to renew my spirits. I've known that, realistically, the holidays were never going to be that. I've known that since we lost Adam in January. But you pile the move on top of everything else, and the deal is pretty much sealed--Christmas will not be the space that I need this year, and it most certainly will not be the same. And I already miss the most wonderful time of year, even this early on. I really do.
1 comment:
Ditto. We haven't put up a tree either. And even though we usually have two Christmases (one at home and one at Justin's), we're likely just going to have one. It'll be the first time in my life that we haven't had Christmas at home. Sighs.
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