The People-Pleasing Terminator

My job has caused me a good deal of stress lately. There is, of course, the aforementioned home that was supposed to come my way, but luckily that has been removed from my caseload (my boss really is a very good boss). My job is inherently stressful, as is most social work and nonprofit work. There's the endless paperwork, the constant struggle to work with limited resources, the endless crises and customer problems, and the occasional feeling that you will never be able to do enough to really help the people you support. But lately, the thing that has been the most stressful is the part of being a manager. I supervise 7-9 staff (depending upon how caseloads fluctuate), and the last couple of months have, quite frankly, required me to be a complete and total hardass. I've fired two people, essentially pushed two into resignation, and been on top of my staff with all of the things they must get done before our big, fat audit comes in October.

I am good at my job. I set clear expectations--and high ones--and I hold my staff to them. I stick to the rules (for the most part), and I expect only the best for my customers. These things make me a good supervisor. But they also sometimes make me feel like a total bitch. I am, inherently, a people pleaser. At my core, I am someone who just wants to be liked. Firing staff does not make you popular. Telling staff "no" or writing them up doesn't make you feel like the most lovable person. I am good at holding my ground, but sometimes I want to burst into tears afterward. I feel so mean, even when I know I'm doing the right thing for my customers. Most days, that feeling of being mean and having people upset or angry with me causes me more stress than any other aspect of my job.

I don't want to make this sound like I am an authoritarian supervisor, because I'm not. I am supportive and available, trusting and appreciative. I encourage my staff to take care of themselves. I buy donuts for meetings. I leave random personalized thank you notes in my staffs' mailboxes for a job well done. But lately all of this has been overshadowed by the fact that my main role has been "the terminator." My boss even sends me "problem staff" because she knows I am the best person to either whip them into shape or ship them out. And in the last six or eight weeks, the little part of me that just wants to be liked has felt bruised and battered as I've shipped out one person after another.

This morning, I held a meeting with my team. As we were all sitting around together sorting through paperwork, one of my staff said, "You know, Jennifer, you're doing a really good job. I've worked here for eleven years, and you're the best supervisor I've had." Another staff chimed in, "Yeah. If you ever leave, I'm going, too. I don't want to work for anyone but you." And the little part of me that just wants to be liked let out a huge sigh of relief. It wasn't until I heard those words that I realized how much I needed to hear them. I am a good terminator, but in the end, I really just want to be someone's favorite boss.