Feeling Like Myself Again

As expected, my cold continued to get worse. On Monday night, I was coughing so horribly that I strained muscles in my chest and back and couldn't get to sleep until 3:30. I called off work on Tuesday and made a doctor's appointment. After diagnosing me with a sinus infection and giving me prescriptions, my doctor did the most wonderful thing: he gave me a note for a couple of days off work so I could finally get the rest I needed.

Happily, it worked. Though I'm not at 100%, I feel tremendously better and like myself again. I head back to work tomorrow, leaving me with only five more days at my job. Five more days. I can hardly believe it. And, as it happens, I will not be unemployed right away. My organization has decided to temporarily keep me on in an entirely different capacity--no pager, no customers, no staff supervision. I will strictly be helping prepare files for our big audit right before Thanksgiving. At this point, a Monday through Friday job of nothing but boring paperwork sounds heavenly.

This afternoon, my boss sent an e-mail to our department announcing that my replacement had been hired. A part of me felt panic: that idea of being replaced, written proof that my decision to leave is final. But overwhelmingly, I feel like I am regaining control of my life. I imagine how it will be when I have my weekends free again, when I can make plans without fear that they will have to be rescheduled due to some work crisis. I can come home at the end of the day and leave work at work, instead of having it constantly (and literally) attached to me in the form of a pager. I will sleep through the night instead of awakening in the middle of it trying to sort through one work-related problem or another. I will not have to worry about staff shortages, or customers with nowhere to live, or deadlines that are impossible to meet. Despite all the unknowns ahead of me, I feel a greater sense of control than I have in a long time. Even through the cold-induced haze of the last several days, I have felt more like myself than I have in several months. And that feeling is worth everything--panic and all.