Reasons I Am So, So Happy Right Now

• My sister just sent me a picture of her wedding dress. It is to-die-for gorgeous and I am getting super excited about the big day (January 9!).

• A conservative friend of ours has indicated that he is not voting for McCain, that he is considering Obama, and that he's thinking maybe he's not as conservative as he thought.

• My November/December issues of Vegetarian Times just arrived and I am starting to drool over the prospect of Thanksgiving dinner.

• "Grey's" is on in less than an hour.

• Dan and I have plans tomorrow night to eat candy and watch "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" and "The Nightmare Before Christmas" (our Halloween tradition). If only trick-or-treaters came to our house. . . sigh.
  

• I totally had on a cute outfit today. That always makes you feel good.

• There are pumpkins in our living room that we picked while my dad was visiting. And tonight I will enjoy the last slice of pie I made from juicy apples we picked at our favorite orchard. Mmmm.
  

• Dan had a rockin' phone interview yesterday, and he's headed to Philly on November 13 for an in-person interview. All signs indicate that things are looking very good, though of course we're still being cautiously optimistic. If all goes well, we could be moving in as little as six weeks. . . AH!

• I signed up this afternoon to volunteer for the Obama campaign on Election Day. Since I have to work, and then I have class until 8:30, the only time I can volunteer is from 5:45-9:00am (it is going to be a long day, followed by an election results watch party that will last until God knows when). Despite the prospect of getting up at 4:30am, I'm quite excited about playing a small role in a potentially huge day in US history.

Leaving It Behind

Last Thursday, at 5:14pm, I turned off my pager for the last time. I headed out the door with my bag, my desk lamp, and the beautiful flowers Dan sent me for our anniversary. As melodramatic as it might sound, clearing out my desk and walking out the door felt like taking a step toward myself. There was literally a feeling of being free.

True to form, Dan and I celebrated with food, popping over to our favorite Chinese place before packing up our bags for our anniversary/celebratory trip to Chicago (one of my favorite places in the world). Hoping to reign in some spending, we decided to stay for one night rather than two and headed out on Friday morning for an overnight trip. We indulged in deep dish pizza, marveled at the architecture, took in the energy and beauty of the city, and saw the outstanding view from the 94th floor of the John Hancock Observatory after dark. On Saturday afternoon, we drove up to North Chicago to visit one of Dan's childhood neighborhoods. As a child of the military, Dan has never really had a "hometown" to speak of, so this was the first chance I've had in the six years we've been together to visit a place where he grew up. I happily had my picture taken in front of his elementary school.

Despite all the recent bliss, it has been a rough week. I have had not one, not two, but four migraines in the last five days. I spent Saturday morning throwing up in the bathroom of our hotel room, sending poor Dan on errands for saltines and Gatorade--not exactly the relaxing trip I had in mind. Another migraine Sunday morning, then again on Sunday evening, and I could hardly believe it when I woke up with yet another yesterday morning. Having this many migraines in succession has never happened to me before, and the only explanation I can come up with is that there is stress upon stress literally trying to make its way out of my body. In all honesty, for the last two years, I don't think I've really been able to fully relax. As much as I tried to let it go, the tension and overwhelming stress of my job always seemed to be with me. I really do think it's possible that these migraines are signs that my body is trying to finally leave it all behind. If that's the case, it's astounding to think what sort of toxins have been building up in my system all this time, and it makes me so grateful that I was in a position to walk away from it all.

As I've noted before, I am fortunate that my organization is retaining me temporarily, with the same salary and benefits, though in an entirely different capacity. On Monday morning, I arrived at work at 9. I no longer have a desk, so I occupied the space of a coworker who is currently out. I got my assignments for the day. I shuffled papers and typed data into spreadsheets. I took a lunch break (something I often did not do in my former position). I realized with bliss that I no longer have an office phone. I left at 5. As I walked away from my desk, I realized that my pager was not on its usual place on my hip. I started to head back for it, then rememered with glee that I don't have a pager anymore. I get to leave work at work for once, leaving the stress behind. Right now, there is nothing better than that.

Happy Anniversary, Baby

Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because that is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. . . . That is just being "in love," which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. . . . We have roots that grow toward each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from our leaves, we will find that we are one tree and not two.

--from Corelli's Mandolin by Louis De Bernieres
(Reading at our wedding, October 14, 2006)

How Cool Is This?

About a week ago, Dan and I headed to The Pulitzer Foundation for the Arts to see the Light Project. The Project includes several outdoor light installations that arose not only from a commitment to art but from an initiative to promote revitalization of urban areas.

For the piece pictured below, the Foundation and artists took an abandoned and dilapidated church building, asked people to donate their old lamps, and created something that I think is truly extraordinary.

Chorus by Rainer Kehres & Sebastian Hungerer

Feeling Like Myself Again

As expected, my cold continued to get worse. On Monday night, I was coughing so horribly that I strained muscles in my chest and back and couldn't get to sleep until 3:30. I called off work on Tuesday and made a doctor's appointment. After diagnosing me with a sinus infection and giving me prescriptions, my doctor did the most wonderful thing: he gave me a note for a couple of days off work so I could finally get the rest I needed.

Happily, it worked. Though I'm not at 100%, I feel tremendously better and like myself again. I head back to work tomorrow, leaving me with only five more days at my job. Five more days. I can hardly believe it. And, as it happens, I will not be unemployed right away. My organization has decided to temporarily keep me on in an entirely different capacity--no pager, no customers, no staff supervision. I will strictly be helping prepare files for our big audit right before Thanksgiving. At this point, a Monday through Friday job of nothing but boring paperwork sounds heavenly.

This afternoon, my boss sent an e-mail to our department announcing that my replacement had been hired. A part of me felt panic: that idea of being replaced, written proof that my decision to leave is final. But overwhelmingly, I feel like I am regaining control of my life. I imagine how it will be when I have my weekends free again, when I can make plans without fear that they will have to be rescheduled due to some work crisis. I can come home at the end of the day and leave work at work, instead of having it constantly (and literally) attached to me in the form of a pager. I will sleep through the night instead of awakening in the middle of it trying to sort through one work-related problem or another. I will not have to worry about staff shortages, or customers with nowhere to live, or deadlines that are impossible to meet. Despite all the unknowns ahead of me, I feel a greater sense of control than I have in a long time. Even through the cold-induced haze of the last several days, I have felt more like myself than I have in several months. And that feeling is worth everything--panic and all.

Sick

I think The Plague has found me. I started getting a sore throat last Sunday, which lasted for a few days, then moved into endless coughing, and now it is all just stuck up in my head. I keep thinking I'm going to get better, and instead I keep getting worse. I'm sure I'll be off to the doctor soon, but in the meantime I'll be in bed with a humidifier and some broth, trying not to repeatedly remind myself how much this sucks.

Wow!

So, my sister calls me last night, in the middle of the season premiere of "Private Practice," and says casually, "Seester, I have something to tell you." I ask her if she would mind if I called her back during the next commercial (what can I say? I love my shows, few as they are). When I call her back, she says, "Seester, I'm getting married!" After congratulations and excitement and questioning of details, I immediately feel sheepish and apologize for putting wedding news on hold for a TV show.

Plans are yet to be determined, but it looks like possibly a December wedding. My little sister is getting married, y'all. I can hardly believe it.

Congratulations, Seester!

Happy World Vegetarian Day!

In addition to being the first day of my favorite month of the year, today also is the kickoff of Vegetarian Awareness Month. My intention here is not to convince everyone that they should follow a vegetarian diet (though for selfish reasons I will admit that a drastic increase in the vegetarian population sure would help expand my menu options at restaurants). :) I realize most people find a vegetarian diet impractical and/or undesirable, and I am not out to guilt trip you (I, for one, am well aware of the benefits and impact of a vegan diet, yet I continue to happily eat my cheese). I do think, however, that today provides a good opportunity to remind people of the benefits of eating less meat, even if one is unable to give it up altogether.

So this is just a friendly reminder, taken from the World Vegetarian Day website, that every meatless meal can help reduce the risk of major health issues including heart disease and cancer, provide a viable answer to feeding the world's hungry, reduce animal suffering, conserve our planet's resources, decrease greenhouse gases, preserve ecosystems, and reduce the pollution caused by animal agriculture.

Again, I'm not suggesting that everyone should give up meat, or that you should feel bad if you don't. If you salivate at the thought of bacon or barbecue ribs, by all means, I would not deny you that pleasure, and I realize that for health reasons some people would find it extremely difficult to get their needed nutrition elsewhere. But maybe, just for this month, you could give up meat once a week? According to the Meatless Monday website, "If every American replaced one chicken meal per week with a vegetarian one, the carbon dioxide savings would be the same as taking more than a half-million cars off U.S. roads." And if you replace that chicken with a delicious pasta dish or a comforting vegetable soup, trust me, you won't miss a thing.

Happy Veg Eating!

In the Light of Morning

On Friday afternoon, I put in my notice at work.

And, no, it's not because Dan or I have found a job in Philadelphia. In fact, as of October 17, I will likely not have a job at all. Scary? A bit. The right thing to do? I think so.

It's a little hard to explain what led up to my notice. For those of you who have been in conversation with me since I started my job in January '07, you know that my work life has been quite a roller coaster. When I started my job last year, going to work felt like a nightmare. I toughed it out, made it through until a company restructure in October, and for the most part, things have been good since that time. I love my customers and most of the staff I supervise, and in many ways my job has been a great match for my skills, strengths, and professional growth. Nonetheless, it has continued to mean long hours, constant crises, a pager clipped to my hip around the clock, and a caseload too big to manage. In other words, it has been to-the-bones exhausting.

I was quite prepared to push through until Dan and I were ready for Philadelphia, but in the last couple of months, things have changed. Little by little, our department seems to be slowly slipping back to our days before the restructure. The responsibilities given to us are overwhelming, and the staff turnover rate is daunting. The management is too overwhelmed to provide the same support they have in the past. I see people in the office who are in tears, and others who look as though they have not slept in days (with the staffing shortages we are experiencing in our homes, many of them probably haven't).

When your job takes the place of your life, it's time to go. When you can't get to the dentist or get your cats to the vet because every appointment has to be rescheduled due to some work crisis, it's time to go. When your job interferes with your mental health, your physical health, your sleep, your marriage, and your sense of self, it's time to go. After calling Dan in tears nearly every day of the week for the last two weeks, and after being presented at work on Friday with yet more responsibilities that would take my 50+ hours per week job to 60+ hours per week--with not a lot of pay and likely more responsibilities on the way--it was time to go. I typed up my notice at my desk, respectfully gave it to my boss, and took a leap into the unknown.

Despite my sensitivity and tendency for high emotions, I am usually quite practical when it comes to making decisions. In many ways, quitting a job right now is a crazy thing to do. I am keenly aware of the state of the economy, of the impracticalities of being unemployed, of the importance of a steady paycheck. My last job search was horrible, resulting in seven months of underemployment, constant financial worries, and a feeling of being so small in this world that I was sure no one would ever take note of me again. Choosing between that and and the hell of my job left me with no practical choice at all. I was so overwhelmed with feeling trapped between two evils that I literally begged the universe for a sign. On Friday, I feel like I got one, and I finally put practicalities aside in the interest of taking care of myself.

Though it's never a comfortable feeling to dip into your savings, the reality is that Dan and I will be fine financially if I do not find work for a while. Nonetheless, I will admit that the possibility of being unemployed while needing to pay for moving expenses and prepare for a higher cost of living makes me more than a little uneasy. The thought of another job search after the terrifying experience of my last one is almost enough to make me crawl under my sheets and refuse to come out again. Every once in a while, I can't help but question my decision and wonder if I've made a mistake, despite every assurance from myself and others that it was the right thing to do.

Yesterday morning, on my way to a 12-hour day at work, I stopped for a cup of coffee, one of those little things I have done for myself now and then to help me get through the day. Outside the shop, a man asked me for change. Resorting to my habitual response of "Sorry" and a guilty smile, I moved along. I then proceeded to tell myself the usual justifications many of us tell ourselves for not giving over a handful of coins: I can't give money to everyone. He'll probably just use it for drugs. I give lots of money to charity. I'm going to have to stop giving money away now that I won't have a job and focus on taking care of myself. Almost instantly, I rethought my decision. I went back, found the man, and handed over some bills. "I'm going to get me some coffee," he said. That little thing to help him get through the day.

I have no idea what will happen next for me. I am not a person comfortable with uncertainty. Maybe I will find a job soon, maybe I won't. Maybe this will turn out to be a big mistake. Nonetheless, I'm going to try to push aside the voices of doubt, remind myself that this was the right thing to do, and say a little prayer that this job search will not be a repeat of my last one. As I walked away from the man outside the coffee shop, he said, "God bless you." I'm not sure that I believe God will bless you just because someone wishes it. Still, as I walked with my steaming cup of coffee in the crisp fall air and soft light of morning, I felt perfectly at peace as I thought to myself, "Maybe God will."

In My Hot Little Hands

Despite the fact that I saw this movie three times in the theater (twice by myself and once with Ashley), and despite the fact that the DVD will likely be in stores for many years to come, I felt a pressing need to get it today. In fact, I decided to get it at Target on my way to work this morning, along with toilet paper and kitty litter and printer paper. Though I would love nothing more than to watch it immediately (what better way to zone out after a 12-hour day?), I'm holding off until Saturday when my friend Sara and I will enjoy it with snacks and cosmopolitans (of the virgin variety, since she is pregnant). And to think, I also get to look forward to the premiere of "Grey's" on Thursday. . . woohoo!