To Do: Relax

This evening, my husband is curled up on the couch with a book, our cats snuggled together at his feet. I used to be convinced that our cats loved Dan more than me because they always chose to snuggle with him. Then I realized that they reason they snuggle with him rather than me is because I am rarely ever sitting still.

I have always been a person who does not know how to take life slowly. I am constantly busybusybusy. If there isn't anything to do, I will find something to do. I plan so much of my time in advance, and every day seems to have an agenda. I find it nearly impossible to let go of the "to do" list in my head.

This does not always bother me--I like projects and tasks. I like the satisfaction of crossing things off of my list and moving on to something else. But there is a difference between getting things done and creating more work for myself. I can start a day with nothing on my schedule, but by the end of it, I have managed to "get things done." I even find myself adding leisure activities to my "to do" list. For the last three weekends, I have told myself that I will block out a Sunday afternoon to read the novel that's been sitting on my nightstand for weeks. I got an hour or two in, but I'm still on page 75. I kept remembering things that I should get done, and I couldn't seem to let them go. They were not that important. But I always seem to have to finish all of my "work" before I will let myself relax. If I do plan anything fun to do, it's usually only after I finish xyz.

This drives me crazy, and yet in some ways, it seems so innate to me. Whether it's nature or nurture, I can't seem to help but plan every hour of my day, even if that includes, "watch a movie from 7:00 until 9:00." My plan fluctuates throughout the day, but there is still almost always a plan. I'm starting to believe that I am incapable of not thinking ahead.

While I will be the first one to champion the idea that there is a place for plans and "to do" lists, I know that my constant need to get things done means I miss out on so many things (like snuggling on the couch with the cats). I suppose acknowledging a problem is the first step to recovery. . . though I'll admit to being aware of this problem for a long time. I've read articles and books, I've tried to live more in the moment, I've tried to purposefully avoid an agenda for the day. There have been times when I've gotten much better, though I sometimes wish it wasn't so hard. It takes work for me not to work--how crazy is that? I envy people like Dan, for whom relaxing comes so easily. I know that probably sounds ridiculous to some people, but the art of doing nothing is an art I am terribly far from from perfecting.

My plan for the evening, after finishing a blog post, was to sit down and plan our meals for the next week. But now seems like a good time to acknowledge that the world will keep turning if I don't plan the meals tonight. I think I'll curl up on the couch with Dan and the cats instead. I'll just move "meal planning" to my "to do" list for tomorrow. :)